Tuesday, January 30, 2007

my first porn experience

Last week, I tried to jump on the bittorrent bandwagon and I downloaded some software to my computer. When I opened the application, I was shocked and appalled to see ads for porn along the left side of the window. In fact, it was disturbing (my Catholic guilt rearing its ugly head). I didn’t want to see ads for porn while downloading my music.

As I was downloading music with the software for the first time, I noticed that it was taking a very, very long time. And every time I opened the window to check out the progress, they were there. All those ads for porn. Women in underwear. Women touching themselves. Yuck. I decided then that I wanted off the bittorrent bandwagon.

My only other experience with porn occurred the year after I graduated USC. My old roommies and I decided get together for my birthday. So on a chilly October evening, we met up at E’s apartment in La Palma. E was one of our neighbors at USC and a boy we hung out with frequently (hang out with = drank a lot with). It was E’s idea to get drunk at his place and then go to Knott’s Scary Farm (it’s normally Knott’s Berry Farm, a random little amusement park in the OC, but it gets converted to ‘Scary’ during the month of October; also this is the ONLY time of year to go Knott’s). So, we proceeded to drink at his place and then we packed into this little car to head over to Buena Park. Right before we left, E’s cousin and roommate at the time showed up saying he was going to invite some of his buddies over to watch a movie since E was going to be out late. E was cool with that.

When we finally got to the front of the line (just to park!!!) at Knott’s, we discovered that the park was sold out and only people who had bought their tickets in advance could get in. Unfortunately, we hadn’t thought that far ahead. So, in my drunken state, I begged E to drive us to get some good drunk food and then head back to his place. After all, the booze was at E’s place, not Knott’s (clearly I wasn’t too disappointed about not going to Knott’s). Tiff, J, and E were cool with that.

Upon arriving at E’s place again, we noticed that E’s cousin’s friends had arrived…all 6 of them. Suddenly E’s two bedroom apartment seemed really small. I had one more drink and headed over to E’s bedroom to talk to Tiff privately. I have no idea what we talked about because I passed out in the middle of our conversation (I have an inkling that I was complaining about Jeff, the loser boyfriend who cheated).

I’m not sure just how long I was passed out in the bed. It must have been awhile because when I woke up, I wasn’t alone. Tiff and J (both females) had joined me and they were all sound asleep on E’s bed. I wanted to go back to sleep but I was overcome by the desire to drink some water. Quietly, I exited the room and headed over to the kitchen.

I very groggily entered the kitchen. I could hear E’s voice, asking me, “Hey, you ok?” I replied, “Water, please.” E said, “Let me get it for you.” As E was pouring some water for me, I noticed a strange noise—a moaning sound and it was definitely not coming from someone in pain. I turned to face where the moaning was coming from. As my eyes began to focus, I saw E’s cousin’s friends watching the movie he picked. And it was definitely no Hollywood blockbuster. It was porn. A guy and girl just going at it. And there were the boys, just sitting there drinking beer and eating popcorn like it was a normal action adventure flick. What the hell?

I’m sure the expression on my face said it all. I stood there for a bit, perplexed, and I furrowed my brows in confusion and walked back to the bedroom with my glass of water. I heard the sounds of muffled laughter as I closed the door. I immediately woke up Tiff and told her what I saw. Tiff’s reaction: “Really? That’s so lame.”

The next day, none of the guys explained themselves. E didn’t even say anything. E was never one to pass up the opportunity to make a joke and clearly this was a good opportunity. But he failed to make a humorous remark about the incident. They all probably thought that I was so drunk I’d forget about the whole thing the next day.

But it’s been 5 years since then and I’m still confused. Why did all those guys get together to watch porn? Were they looking for tips? Were they taking notes? Did they discuss the movie afterwards? The plot? Its highlights and low points?

I still don’t get it. It's still so lame.

2 comments:

Andy said...

i had a similarly odd porn experience. Not my first and not my last, but strange all the same. Before I came out of the closet, I had agreed to go out with some male co-workers. We went to pre-drink at one of the guys' houses and were sitting there, one of them flipping through channels and then he stops on SCinemax. It was a saturday night so of course there was one of those softcore porn movies on. It was truly bizarre, we sat there and watched it. I thought (or maybe was hoping) that it'd turn int a real life porno, but no. I watched porn with str8 guys for no apparent reason. I've watched porn since with str8 girls that were friends and that was funny, but never str8 guys, that's just odd. great blog :)

lizzie said...

ha! great story. thanks for sharing, andy!

i've got some gay porn stories but that's for a whole other blog post!