too many boobs and va-jay-jays for one weekend

So I’m back from my weekend work trip to Chi-town and, boy, was it eventful! I was there to attend an event as a representative of the non-profit I work for—a conference about nurses in reproductive health. Trust me, there is never a dull moment when the topic is sex.

Unfortunately, I was working in the expo hall next to a group that was promoting a certain method of birthing—water births. Apparently, this entails giving birth in a shallow tub of water, often while naked and most often, in the presence of your husband/baby daddy and other kids (and sometimes, they’re naked too). Oh and did I mention that no epidural is involved in this method? I suppose it’s to have the full experience of giving birth. If you ask me (not like I would know since I’m currently childless), I think I might enjoy the experience of birth better if it were relatively painless.

The actual reps from the organization were really cool and very pleasant. But they aired this video and slide show simultaneously and on repeat EVERY DAY. The video contained shots of actual water births…women in all of their birthing glory (naked, mind you). The slide show contained still shots from water births. All day for 3 days I saw this video continuously. Did I mention that the video’s sound was on? There I was networking or promoting my org and our programs and I would occasionally be interrupted by the screams of a woman in the throes of birth. It was distracting to say the least.

And someone should’ve told these women that if their births were going to be captured on camera, they should probably groom themselves down there. At least, that’s what I would do (not like I would ever want the birth of my children to be filmed for strangers to see). I would want my va-jay-jay to be camera-ready.

The funny part was the slide show. The slide show not only detailed the procedure and described the ideal candidates for this, but also provided still photographs of water births. So in one slide you would see a shot of a picture of a woman, mouth agape (probably screaming) and about to give birth. And then the next shot would be of a visibly exhausted mother cradling her child with all of her family members celebrating around the mother, often with champagne or party favors. If I had just given birth, I think I would be too tired to party. But since those family members didn’t actually go through many hours of labor, they had plenty of energy to celebrate. I felt bad for those mothers (especially because I would need a drink after all of that work).

After being subjected to this for 3 days, I now have these images of babies popping out of hairy va-jay-jays seared into my brain. The graphic images and constant screaming is almost enough for me to consider permanent sterilization.

I left the conference with a new appreciation for birth control.