Tuesday, July 22, 2008

and just when everything in life is falling into place...

I had a complete and total breakdown yesterday.

It all started Sunday night/early Monday. I only got 3 hours of sleep. I was up all night thinking about my future. Specifically, I was worrying about how I might lose my job. Yes, THAT job, the one that I absolutely LOVE and blog about weekly (even though I know I really shouldn't). The WHY? can be simply answered: the funding for my program ends in September and we have not heard back yet on whether we will get funding for another project, one that I've affectionately titled, My Baby. Because the federal government likes to be all NOT upfront about when we should hear back from them, we are hoping to hear next month, but that is not a definite.

I've never been unemployed. I'm not even sure if it's appropriate to begin to look for a job in the event that the unthinkable happens because I want to stay right where I am. I'm dedicated to this group and most importantly, I'm super dedicated to this project. I love what I do and it took me a long time to find a job that I actually look forward to going to every single day. And this just sucks! I know that I should consider myself lucky for having a job that I love so much. But Fate is just cruel for letting me have a taste of job-happiness only to take it away from me.

I am so lucky. I have a boyfriend/partner (future hubby) that I adore, kitties that I love to death, a place that my partner and I created into OUR home, family and friends that are alive and well, and a job that is perfect for me. My luck can't last that long, right? Who could possibly deserve all of these great things in his/her life? I've certainly been humbled by the fact that everything in my life seems to be falling into place. So OF COURSE, Fate had to step in and say, "Uh, no, honey. You can't be that lucky." (For some reason, in my head, Fate is a drag queen).

Which is why I think we're not getting funded and I'll end up without a job. Well, that and the fact that we're in a recession (yes, GOP, someone had to say it) and the economy sucks and plenty of qualified people are losing their jobs.

Yesterday, when my anxiety-riddled self came to the conclusion that I don't deserve to be this happy, I began to accept that I will lose the job I love. And so the breakdown began.

It started off simple enough. I had a headache. I thought some Coke would help (the soft drink, peeps) and it didn't. I dragged myself through the work day before I began to feel the aura. A migraine was coming. And my Imitrex refill was at the pharmacy. For some reason, I thought I could put off the migraine with the power of my mind (Please don't come, please don't come) and I didn't pick up my refill until it was too late. Sure the head hurt already. The nausea came next. By the time I got off of the Metro, the sensitivity to light and sound was there. I got on the bus and called Jesse to pick me up from the next stop.

When I got to the stop, Jesse wasn't there. I began to panic. I felt like throwing up. I looked around for his car and he wasn't there. I felt alone. And upset. And then I couldn't breathe. My chest felt heavy. And then Jesse showed up. By then, I was in full on panic attack mode. Panic attack + migraine = not-so-good-times

My body has a fun way of dealing with stress. I really wish I could cope better.

So Fate, whatever you have in store for me, if it's painful, just do it now and do it quick.


Capitol Hill 20210 said...

You should have called me!

Its sucks to hear about this funding, because what you do is a good thing!

I would start looking at options so you have a backup plan -- I know that really sucks, but always have a Plan B

and now to make you laugh - you can always run off to Mother Russia with me -- insert dr evil laughter now

Ok we need to go to see a feel good movie - like Mamma Mia - let me know woman! :-)

Anonymous said...


You are a good person. Sometimes in this world, the stars align, and good people end up with good lives. You have a great home, a great Jesse, great kitties, and great family and friends- all because you are great. Just go with it sister.

And next time. Call. Cell phones are a wonderous thing!

Love you,

anOCgirl said...

CH 20210--yeah, dude. i need me a girls night out. i'll talk to you later about the movie.

ugh. plan b. i like plan a (keep my job) just fine. but yes, i need a plan b.

shell--i always feel bad calling b/c i don't want to burden my friends with my problems. i keep it all inside until it's too late. and then, i release on the interwebs! woo hoo.

ur such an awesome friend tho. one of these days, i'm going to call you in a moment of crisis! be ready!

Anonymous said...

First, I just want to say that you do deserve a good life, especially because of all the good you do in your job. You've got to have some good karma floating around just because of the job you do.

Second, Fate wears drag in my mind too. Not sure why.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

Cant comment on the above post about Aids -- awesome post and everything you said makes sense!!!
You my dear can come work for me when I am in the Senate :-)