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My experience with New Year's resolutions has always been one of disappointment. In the past, I've set, what I assumed to be, attainable goals and then I ended up not attaining them or veering off the path of attainment (is that a word?) shortly after the second week of January. Rather than set myself up for failure, I have decided that I am NOT a New Year's resolution type of gal and I have been satisfied with this decision.
So why am I talking about this 5 days after New Year's Day?
Honestly, there is a void in my life and there has been for quite some time (about a year now). And this void has only become increasingly obviously apparent over the last few weeks so it's time for me to do something about it. And since a new year brings a new beginning or a chance to wipe the slate clean or start over (depending on your perspective), I needed to make a change.
I'm going back to therapy.
While I'm sure this news is sure to disappoint my mother when I tell her (the Latino community prefers to keep its mental health issues on the DL), I find myself so emotionally tired lately. I've been carrying the burden of many people's issues on my back and in my heart with no outlet of my own (this statement is not aimed at anyone in particular--although I am thinking of my mom as I type this). Though I never hesitate to be there for people as a friend and to listen to them and their problems (and to offer a solution if I am able to do so), I am waiting for someone to say to me, "So how are you?" just so I can open my flood gates too.
This hasn't happened.
This means that, despite the occasional venting session with Jesse (whose answer to everything is "don't worry, everything will be ok"), I keep everyone's problems and my own problems to myself and I feel like I'm drowning. I simply can't do this on my own any more. And a trained mental health professional seems like my life line at this point.
The hard part is finding someone I like. Long time blog peeps probably remember me blogging about Dr. W, my previous shrink extraordinaire. She was awesome. Can't go back to her though because she doesn't take my insurance any more. I'm going to miss her.
Have you guys ever tried the "Find a therapist" feature on Psychology Today? It's like Match.com but for people seeking a therapist. Seriously, there are profiles with photos and providers describing their areas of expertise and their preferred methods of treatment. I found providers who talk about their pets, who provided pics of their most recent vacation and who mentioned what they loved to do in their free time. If I had spent more than just a few minutes on it, I'm certain I would've found a therapist who likes romantic movies and long walks on the beach.
Still, I found someone who seems alright on paper. My first appointment with her is next week. I guess I won't know anything until then.
Well...I do know that I need to start taking care of myself. This seems like a pretty good start.