the perfect recipe for work burnout

Last week, I was at a conference (I apologize for the lack of blogging) with a bunch of other people running programs similar to mine. .

Normally, I really like conferences like these because they give me an opportunity to learn from others and enhance my program with what I've learned (learning is fun for me because I'm a nerd). But the weeks leading up to this conference have been hard for me at work. I don't have a boss. I have a vacancy in my staff. I've taken on some of the responsibilities left behind by my boss and I've completely taken over the duties that is normally assigned to the person in the position that is now vacant. I've had to review over 100 applications for that vacancy and, after reviewing all of them and doing many phone interviews, I only have one handful of qualified candidates. I've got two reports that I need to write by the end of this week. AND I've been battling this cold/flu/whatever infection for the last 4 weeks.

I'm not whining about all the extra work I've been putting in and all the pressure I've been under (trust me, I did plenty of that the first week I was sick). I don't have time to whine. There's work to be done.

I've been working 10-12 hour days and I haven't taken a single sick day despite being sick. I've spent my weekends in bed, trying to get better. So when last week came around and it was time for my conference, I was a bit relieved. After all, the conference days were only 8 hours long. I haven't worked an 8 hour day in forever!

Each day, I dragged my feet and brain through every workshop and plenary. Even our lunches were working lunches so I basically had no break. But on the third day of the conference the lunchtime speaker was different. For one, he didn't have a power point presentation (yay!). Two, he was pretty dynamic and energetic. It was infectious. Third, he spoke from the heart. Even though he was there to talk about advances in preventing HIV/AIDS in minority populations, he chose to speak about Burnout.

I was shocked that he said The Word (no one talks about burnout in this field because everyone is working towards a greater good and that is worth every sacrifice we make). But when he did say The Word, everyone in the large ballroom nodded in agreement. I thought about the last month. The extra work. The long days. The illness that doesn't seem to go away. It was the perfect recipe for burnout. I was relieved to hear that I wasn't alone in this. But how do I deal with it? The speaker said we all had to find our own way to deal with burnout. This was the first time I had ever felt so overwhelmed by my job. I don't know what to do.

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On my last day in the office before the conference I had an initial interview with a potential client. I started going through the motions. I took some basic demographic information from him. He had no family in the area and when I asked him for an emergency contact, he gave me his employer's info. That was odd. I snapped myself out of the routine and asked him, "Why are you here?" It was a general question that could be answered many ways. He answered, "I'm lonely." I continued, "Why do you feel lonely?" He looked down at his feet and was quiet for a moment. He stammered for a bit before he answered (while not looking at me), "I'm gay. And no one knows. I try so hard not to be gay, but I can't do this anymore. It hurts to be lonely so I drink until I don't feel anything. It's so much easier to be numb than to be gay."

At that moment, I felt my heart break. I wanted to hug him, but that would be inappropriate. Instead, I got out of my chair and squatted low enough to get to his level so he would look at me (he was seated) and I told him, "It's ok. We're going to help you. I promise you that your life is worth living. We're going to show you. As of today, you're no longer alone."

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This is why I have no time for burnout. There's obviously work to be done. My potential for burnout is trivial compared to the all the people who are hurting like the person I described above.