Tuesday, October 24, 2006

ok, so who turned on my biological clock?

I thought it started over a year ago. Jesse and I had been together for almost a year when he decided to come home to Cali with me for the first time. At the time, my niece Serena Rose was 5 months old. We were at my brother’s house. Jesse sat next to me as I sat Serena on my lap and she glanced over in Jesse’s direction. Her eyes grew very large and her little mouth opened slightly, as though she were in total awe of Jesse. Jesse played with her a bit and I felt my knees get weak. For the remainder of our trip, every time Serena looked at Jesse she had that same look of awe on her face and Jesse just ate it up. Seeing them together was such a cute sight to behold.

The next time I thought I heard it was Thanksgiving ’05. I was in Jesse’s bedroom, starting my online X-mas shopping when he and his nephew came up to play XBOX. Chauncey (who is 7, I think) was trying so hard to beat Jesse at College Football ’05. I sat there and watched Jesse play with his nephew and I got an accurate impression of what Jesse was like as a kid. Jesse got down to Chauncey’s level (figuratively) and it was like watching two kids at play. At every family gathering, Chauncey seeks out Jesse to see if he wants to play. His nephew loves him and it’s obvious as to why.

I definitely didn’t hear it at the Virginia Tech/Northeastern game last month. That was when some of Jesse’s friends were giving us a hard time about not being married yet. Sure, they were all drunk and probably don’t remember what they said, but I do. I’m not in a hurry, I thought to myself. Everything, I hope, in time will come.

I could’ve sworn I heard it last week, before my birthday. On Tuesday, it finally hit me that I was turning a year older. One more year closer to 30 (in fact the big 3-0 is two years away). And honestly, getting older doesn’t frighten me so much as the number 30 does. That’s because when I was a little girl with all of my academic dreams and ambitions, I decided that I would get married when I’m 30. Granted, I was a kid and there were certainly no husband prospects at the time of this decision. But it seemed to fit into my timetable of what my academic and professional life would be like. Back then, it was the only goal I made for my personal life. All these years later, I certainly didn’t expect it to be attainable.

So yesterday, I heard it. The new girl at work (and newly initiated member of my work clique) got engaged. In the afternoon, we decided to take a break from work and take a walk. We walked around downtown and she told me all about her engagement. I was very genuinely happy for her. At some point in the middle of her story, I heard something in my head go “tick, tock”. Naturally, I ignored it. After all, I was trying to listen to Sara’s story. So then Sara’s going on and on about her family and their reaction when the noise came back. “Tick, tock.” Then Sara’s telling me about the members of her “potential” guest list. “Tick, tock” went my head.

On the walk back to the office, Sara started telling me about how excited she was and how much she loves her fiancĂ©e. I thought about how much I love Jesse and how happy he makes me. I thought about how I barely remember my life before him. I thought about how I couldn’t imagine my future without him in it. And then I thought, I really want to get married.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. TICK, TOCK.

Right there on K Street, I realized that, despite my denials over the last couple of years, the truth is that I really do have a biological clock. And apparently, it works. Oh great, I thought. I guess a desire to have children is not too far behind.

Tick, TOCK!

2 comments:

Mad Cabbie said...

Nice post as usual OC chick, Listen you should not think about marriage just because of the only reason of the tic and the toc you hear in your head, that's the wrong reason to get married.....but you should start thinking about it if you are deeply in love with Jesse and him like wise and you can't see yourselves living with out each other and ready for the next level of commitment. By the way I look at your pictures, you guys look happy together and seem to appreciate each other!

So Jesse, if you're reading this post, let's get busy with the ring shall we?

Mad "Dr Phil" Cabbie.

lizzie said...

thank you, MC. you're right. i shouldn't get married b/c of the tick/tock. jesse and i do love each other very much and we're very happy. i think the tick/tock is my heart telling me that i'm ready for the next level.

still, the clock scares me.