"i wanna have your babies"

It happens shortly after I close my eyes and drift off to sleep. As the sleepy haze fades away, I find that I’m wearing an empire waist shirt and I’m happily holding Jesse’s hand as we’re walking through a park. And then I look down. And my feet aren’t there. It’s not that they’ve disappeared. It’s just that my view has been obstructed by my giant protruding belly. It appears that I’m preggers.

And the strange thing is that I’m happy about it. This surprises me simply because having babies doesn’t really appeal to me while I’m in a conscious state. In fact, I’m very good at preventing pregnancy and I think Jesse appreciates my efforts. I’m not married. I’m not even engaged. And I don’t want to have kids until I’m 30.

I still have some time. I’m only 28.

However, in my dream, being pregnant with Jesse’s baby makes me very happy apparently. The dream becomes montage-y. There are shots of Jesse proudly rubbing my belly. And then there are shots of Jesse and me building a crib together. And then there are shots of me and Jesse shopping for baby clothes. And in each shot, Jesse and I look happy ecstatic about having a child together.

Then I suddenly wake up in the middle of the night. My heart is racing. It’s beating so fast, it feels as though it wants to burst out of my chest. The earplugs I sleep with make my heart beats sound like a ticking clock (a ticking biological clock, perhaps). And my first thought is, OH MY GOD, what if I’m not fertile enough to have a child at 30? And now that I’ve scared myself awake, I stay up for awhile and worry about my fertility. I begin to question my method of birth control. What if I have too many hormones in my body? Perhaps I should try something different. Just because I don’t want to have kids now doesn’t mean that I won’t want them later. Maybe I should try an IUD.

I eventually drift back to sleep, realizing that my freak out is just a symptom of my anxiety.

When I wake up again in the morning, I think back to my middle-of-the-night freak out and my point of view has changed. Something about the light of day has brought back rational thought. Silly me. There I was, worrying about my fertility when I’m the Pill. My friend got preggers last year after being on the Pill since high school. She had stopped taking them 4 weeks before getting pregnant. I don’t think I have anything to worry about. Besides, I’m only 28. I’m sure I have plenty of viable eggs left.

What really worries me now is that my biological clock has invaded my subconscious. Damn you, biological clock! DAMN YOU!

A friend of mine sent me a link to this You Tube video after I told her about my dreams. The crazy thing is that I actually like this song. It’s girly and catchy. And I can’t wait for it to be available on iTunes.