not going down without a fight

It feels as if my life had been turned upside down so long ago, but it was just last week. I’m still here trying to pick up the pieces of my former life, one that is slowly beginning to reemerge, a little bit sadder, a little bit wiser now.

Last weekend I had started to build up large, seemingly insurmountable walls around my heart again. It was almost like a reflex reaction for me. After all, the love of my life had just broken my heart and shattered my dreams. He joined the (not-so-long) list of boys who had ‘loved’ me then hurt me and left me far more cynical than they had found me. And as the bitterness of cynicism began to surround my heart, I started to get supportive emails, blog comments, phone calls. I was very touched and surprised. But most importantly, through this showing of support, the shroud of cynicism began to shrink and suddenly I found myself hopeful.

I stopped building the walls. From what I remember about the old walls, they were really good about keeping the hurt out, but they were equally good at keeping the love out. And for awhile in my life, that was ok. But now that I know what real love is, I realize that the walls aren’t good for me. Little by little, over the course of the week, Jesse knocked down the walls that had been built again to keep him out. The truth is that I wanted him desperately back in.

As much as I would like to, I can’t help the way I feel. I truly love him with every ounce of my being. And I know he loves me too. That’s just not something you throw away.

This weekend, I spoke to my friend A.N. who is the “Jesse” in her relationship (meaning she doesn’t want to get married either). What A.N. probably doesn’t realize is that she really put my mind at ease. A.N. is probably one of my closest friends from college and she has been with her boyfriend for longer than Jesse and I have been together. I have no doubt that she loves her boyfriend. But she has mostly the same fears and concerns that Jesse has. And as she was explaining to me just how she feels about everything, I put my own worries aside and really just listened. I put myself in her shoes and really just tried to understand where she is coming from. And I think I’m starting to get it.

Jesse and I may have unexpectedly found ourselves on opposite sides of the spectrum on the marriage issue, but in just a week’s time, we’re starting to make some leeway towards meeting in the middle. I’m making a conscious effort to listen to him and put myself in his shoes. And he’s making a conscious effort to understand me and see where I’m coming from. And I’m confident that there will be a resolution of some sort. I’m not sure what it will be, but I’m comforted by the fact that Jesse and I are working towards it together.

And I really wouldn’t have it any other way.