Tuesday, May 15, 2007

does my mom already know my biggest secret?

I recently spoke to my mom and we had another jaw-dropping, eye-opening conversation. Not only was it surprising and disturbing, but I missed an opportunity to come clean about something. Feel free to reprimand me in the comments. I deserve it.

But first, hear me out on a bit of background. My mom is not a seer or anything, but somehow she just knows things before they actually happen. It’s not supernatural or anything. I think it just comes with the experience of being a mom for so many years. Additionally, my mom shares with me the belief that dreams tend to actually mean something. My mom and I differ on the origin of dreams. I say they come deep from the subconscious. My mom thinks dreams are some kind of divine message from above, as if God is trying to tell her something.

And finally, my mom still thinks I’m a virgin. Yes, I know it’s silly. And I know that it doesn’t make sense. After all, I live with my boyfriend (something she knows already) and we share a bed (a fact that my mom just recently became aware of). But when she repeatedly asks me if we’ve had sex, I tell her no. I know that my super traditional, extremely religious, incredibly conservative mother would be very disappointed in me if she knew the truth. So I lie. Ignorance is bliss, they say.

Like I said, my mom and I were talking the other day and she told me that she had a dream about me the night before that she couldn’t stop thinking about. I was fully aware of the possibility of opening Pandora’s Box by asking her about the dream, but I also felt that maybe she was using this as an opportunity to discuss something with me that had been bothering her. And I wanted to hear her out. So I asked, “What was the dream about?” My mom answered, “I dreamed that you were pregnant.”

Stop the presses (or blog publishing)! Why would she dream that? Was she trying to tell me that I might get preggers soon? Was she trying to talk to me about having sex? On the inside, I had a major freak out. On the outside, I calmly told her, “Well, mami, that’s silly.” She described the dream in further detail. Apparently, I got pregnant (hold the ‘congratulations’—this was in her dream). My mom wasn’t sure if Jesse and I were married in the dream. But I had the baby on the East Coast and she had to travel to see her new granddaughter (apparently it was a girl). And she was a beautiful little tan baby with curly hair (woo hoo! Just what I was hoping my babies would look like).

As my mom was detailing the dream, I tried to calm my inner freak out. I can’t possibly be preggers. For one thing, I work in sexual health. You better believe that I am completely regimented and responsible when it comes to my birth control. It would have to take an act of God to get me pregnant (or a complete reversal of the science I know to be true). Secondly, I am a planner. A baby is just not part of my plan right now. Someday definitely. But not any time soon.

When my mom was done telling me about the dream, she had just one question. “Is there something you should tell me?” my mom asked with trepidation. I thought about my birth control, my regimen, my lack of morning sickness and my previous use of the word ‘silly’ to describe my mom. I told her with confidence and a little laugh (to point out the absurdity of her suggestion), “No, mami, I’m not pregnant. That’s just not possible.” She sighed with relief and we got off the phone shortly after that.

But in retrospect, I wonder about that question. There IS something that I should tell her. I hate lying but most importantly, I hate lying to my mom. I should come clean about that whole virginity thing (and how I lost it long ago). But I still think that it might be best if she never finds out. Is it better for me to continue to lie to keep from hurting or disappointing her? Or should I just tell her the truth, knowing that it’s going to hurt and maybe change our relationship forever?

Still I wonder if that “something” she asked about was really sex. Maybe her subconscious is telling her, “You know your baby’s having sex” and it came out in this dream. Maybe that question was my one opportunity to talk to her about it.

Part of me is relieved.

Another part of me feels really, really guilty.


sunchaser said...

I didn't want to be the first to comment (again) but.
Your mom sounds really cute, despite her eccentricities :)

It's so hard to imagine how she could think that you're not having sex, except for the fact that you're telling her that you're not. Personally, if my mother even tried to ask me those kinds of questions I would either: 1) not answer 2) change the subject or (if I got really pissed off) tell her it really wasn't any of her business (which it's not). But she generally doesn't do that (generally), I guess because I've "trained" her not to?

Funny, a friend of mine just found out last week that she's pregnant. And it is a "surprise" pregnancy too (a happy surprise, but a surprise nonetheless).

Hmm.. you could just send her a link to your blog, that would answer some of her questions! :0

Madame M. said...

I gotta be honest: if you think that your relationship with your mom "forever" is going to change because you come clean with her, then you might need to reevaluate deeper issues with her.

She is first and foremost your mom and she must know what's up at some unconscious or "Godly" level. I know it won't be easy to own up to the bit of deception, but you'll feel better after having unloaded.

Good luck. I know it can't be easy, but it must be done.

Aileen said...

"must be done"? "come clean"?

I'm confused...Why do you "owe" her that personal information? Knowing your sexual private life will enhance the relationship with your mom? That seems odd to me. How much do you know about her sex life? Aren't you glad you don't know much about it?

Truthfully, I think this is one of those fibs that's OK. Tell her what she wants to hear, there's absolutely no harm in that.

Just stop feeling so guilty about it! :)

Anonymous said...

Maybe your mom herself doesnt know if she really wants to know the truth. She must suspect after all.

I remember one time when I came home for college I was telling my folks about a high school friend who got pregnant and was dropping out as a result. My dad, clearly uneasy with the conversation, kept asking indirect questions about whether that could ever happen with me. I couldnt tell if he wanted to know if I were on birth control (yes I was) or having sex (yes again). I finally ask him point blank, 'dad what are you asking me. Whatever you want to know I will tell you.' Well, let me tell you he did some serious backpeddling. "I dont know want hear details about your private life! I dont want to talk about this! talk to your mother, not me about these things..." and so on. It was really funny in retrospect. -Erika

lizzie said...

sunchaser--thanks. turns out my friends use the word 'cute' to describe my mom a lot. fortunately, my mom is pretty computer illiterate so she will not be seeing the blog. although having her read this post would save me the trouble of actually telling her...

madame m--thanks for the advice. yes, this news would definitely change our relationship but that's because she is so conservative and really has no idea just how liberal i've become since moving here. she doesn't even know that i'm pro-choice for the same reason why i haven't told her i'm having sex. i've come a long way in getting her to be more open-minded, but there's just some stuff she won't budge on.

aileen--strangely, i know a lot about my mom's sex life, but only because she was only with one man her entire life and that man (my dad) has since passed. mom's not having sex any more, thank goodness. i certainly wouldn't want to hear about that. thanks for the advice. incidentally, jesse COMPLETELY agrees with you in that i should just not tell.

erika--oh yeah, she definitely suspects which is probably why i should've taken that opportunity to come clean. and thanks for sharing your story with us. it was definitely funny although probably horrifying at the time.