Oh Cosmo. When I was much, much younger (and virginal), I had a subscription to Cosmo. I aspired to be a Cosmo girl some day—an expert at seducing men and a fashionista who never questioned whether my shoes matched my outfit. However, shortly after the second year of my two year subscription started, I noticed that Cosmo liked to re-‘publish’ the same stories over and over again. Sure, they had different titles. But the idea was still there. How to please your man and keep him coming back to more. The Kama Sutra Issue. The Even More Kama Sutra Issue. The Issue with Sex Positions not found in the Kama Sutra. After a two year subscription, I still can’t name a single Kama Sutra position. I say, figure out what works and stick with it.
Anyways, I came upon a Cosmo article that made me laugh and I just had to share. It’s The 10 Sex Cravings All Guys Have (and I suppose Cosmo did extensive research on what all guys everywhere want from a sexual partner). Here are the 10. And since I obviously have an opinion on these, my thoughts follow each craving. DISCLAIMER: my opinions in no way reflect my current sex life unless otherwise noted.
- He wants a girl who can turn herself on. Well, duh, ladies. How do you expect to get turned on by your man if you don’t know which buttons he has to push? Someone’s gotta tell him where to go and what to do! Take charge of your sexuality and practice on yourself!
- He wants sex to be fun. Ah, yes. Because women just love to cry during sex.
- He wants you to drop hints. Sometimes, boys need some instruction. It may be the only way you’re gonna get yours.
- He wants to watch. Typical. The guy just sits there and the girl has to do all of the work.
- He wants you to be naughty. Of course he does. It’s called the Madonna/Whore complex. He wants a lady outside and a freak in the bed (why do I feel that line is from a rap song?).
- He wants a “Wow, what was that?” experience. Oh really. Well, girls want the same kind of experience. It takes two to tango, baby. If the guy wants a mind-blowing experience, he better be prepared to do his part.
- He wants to mix things up. Variety is the spice of life.
- He wants nookie out of nowhere. Hmmm...the surprise seduction. This goes both ways, boys. Does this mean you’re gonna start seducing us in the middle of Halo 3 or the Redskins/Cowboys game? Because that would be a surprise.
- He wants to take you. I have no argument against this.
- He wants to do nothing sometimes. Ummm...sometimes? If a guy could just lie there in bed all of the time and still get his, he would want to do nothing all of the time. When a girl wants to do nothing, there’s just no sex.
Ladies, please take heart in knowing that Cosmo couldn’t have possibly interviewed every man in America for this article. I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there who love to give and receive equally (and some probably love to give more than receive, in which case, you’ve hit the jackpot). Guys, please don’t accuse me of being a male-hater. I actually kinda like boys.
At least most of the time.