Friday, December 7, 2007

i don’t want to be your hero

When I was younger, I remember basketball bad boy Charles Barkley saying something about how he didn’t want to be a role model. And truly, the guy should’ve been no one’s hero. But then again, I don’t really see the appeal in making heroes out of athletes.

While in therapy on Wednesday, I thought of Charles Barkley and his role model comment and I told my shrink, “I don’t want to be a hero.” I had relayed to her my work drama that I had briefly and vaguely described on Wednesday’s post. The drama has died down a bit, but it’s still there. Apparently, my co-workers expect me to stand up for them before I leave. They want me to try and change their work environment. But I just want to leave this all alone.

The activist in me is definitely going to say my piece in my exit interview. However, the reality is that I’m not leaving my job because I’m bitter or resentful. I’m leaving because I found my dream job. While working for my current employer, I realized that this job was making me unhappy because it wasn’t what I wanted to do. So I went out and looked for what I wanted to do. And now that I’ve found it, the last thing I want to do is burn bridges.

Nonetheless, I actually do have some concerns about the office and will voice them when the time comes. Yet, I’m not doing this for my coworkers. I just think that some changes will only make the organization better and perhaps the powers that be are not aware that changes need to be made. I think my exit interview will make these changes pretty clear.

I don’t want anyone to burden me with their concerns. Yes, I’m the one who’s leaving, the one with nothing to lose or gain by telling The Man how I feel. And yes, I share some of your concerns. But I don’t want to fight your battles. I’ve fought many battles in my lifetime and most of the time, I’ve fought them on behalf of others. I just really want my last few days in the office to be drama free.

Drama seems to follow me around like a moth to a flame. And I’m over it. I’d like to have a drama-free work experience at my next job. Is that too much to ask?

When I told my shrink this, Dr. W said, “Lots of people would love to have some drama. They think their lives are dull. They’d appreciate some of the excitement you have.”

I responded, “I’m just tired of fighting for what I think is right all of the time.”

Dr. W asked, “Would you have it any other way?”

I looked away from her and thought about her question. Could I ever stop fighting for what I believe in? Could I ever just walk away from something I feel so passionately about?

I turned back and looked at Dr. W. A subtle smile was on her face. We both knew the answer to her question, but I just needed to hear it from within.

“No, I wouldn’t.”

1 comment:

diagonal cube said...

I am sorry that there are individuals at work pressing you to fight their fight. You should only speak of your own experiences and let others do their own thing. We all have opportunities to voice our experiences, maybe those individuals need to gather some courage and do it themselves? Some people are not as strong as they would like to be, but that is not your problem. I would say something to them -- if they are your friends, they will understand.