Thursday, December 13, 2007

a long metro jouney into night

Last night, I got on the Metro after my visit with the shrink. When the Orange Line train finally arrived, I entered the second to last car. It was nearly empty. I sat near the door, but not in the seats reserved for those with special needs. I pulled my tote bag in my lap and hugged it close to me as I replayed the dialogue with my shrink in my head.

My head is telling me it’s over, but my heart is desperately hoping that my head is wrong. Why is it so hard to take this next step?

Despite myself, my eyes well up with tears. At the same time, the Metro train continues to fill up. This is expected as it is rush hour. What I had not expected was the lump in my throat. Go away, Lump.

I let my mind take over my heart. How am I going to start a new job and find a place to live? Damn it. I’ve been here before. That’s how I ended up moving in with him.

My eyes well up, but this time, I can’t help myself. A tear escapes. As soon as the tear begins its slide down my cheek, I wipe it away and hope that no one notices. People are standing all around me now. My seatmate is organizing his iTunes playlists on his laptop. On the inside, I sigh. It appears that no one has seen my tears.

I let my mind take over again. Maybe if I start looking for a place now, I can slowly move out. My heart hurts at the thought of leaving him. He’s the love of my life. How can I walk away?

My eyes well up again. The lump in my throat is so large, I can’t swallow. The people who were standing all around me have started to get off the train. The sea of bodies parts. Diagonally across from me is a man. He’s older. Wrinkles of age and wisdom line his face. He looks at me and I can’t hide. He knows that I’m a ticking time bomb of emotions. Maybe he can hear the ticking getting faster.

He sees me as I really am. I’m the sad girl. The girl withholding so much inside. The girl who wants to cry but can’t.

He looks at me with sympathy and I turn away. I know deep inside that things will get better. But I just can’t see that right now.

The train arrives at Ballston, finally. I get up and the man’s eyes follow me. He’s concerned but doesn’t say anything. On the inside, I say, Thank you.

I rush out and get in to a cab. Just a few more minutes.

The cab driver drops me off at the condo. I unlock the front door and rush into the bedroom.

I am not home alone.

I lock the bedroom door. Ok, Heart. It’s your turn now.

I let my heart take over now. And the tears begin to flow. Slowly at first. And then vigorously. My body shakes.

And then my heart is done.

All that is left now is a person I don’t recognize. An empty shell. A hole that used to be filled.

A broken heart longing to be healed.

1 comment:

Shell said...

I am sending you all the hugs I have. Remember that crying doesnt make you less strong!! Let it out girl! Love you!