Tuesday, August 19, 2008

on losing one and only one

 image courtesy of noaa.gov

One of my clients died.

For privacy reasons, I can't really get into the details. But it was sudden. And it has had an impact on the other clients.

In the days following the news of his death, it has been my job to put on a strong facade for both the staff and the clients. On the inside, it's been hard to be strong.

I do not usually question my ability to do my job. I love my job and have always felt that it's the perfect job for me. But I've never had a client die. And it really just breaks my heart. And my reaction to his death leads me to believe that maybe I'm not strong enough for this.

This is one of those rare moments when I wish I wasn't so passionate. Why do I care so much? Is caring this much about my job, my clients, the community negatively impacting my ability to do this job? Is it possible to care too much? If so, how can I stop caring as much as I do?

We work so hard to help people turn their lives around. And my heart soars when I see them succeed--when the clients get a job or go back to school or have a baby. It makes the struggle so worth it so see them realize that they have the strength to make positive changes in their lives.

When one of them goes back to their old habits, it truly makes me sad. I know it's all part of their journey, but I'm in this to see them succeed.  I don't want to see them falter.

I don't know. Maybe I'm always going to care as much as I do.

5 comments:

Shell said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. But you need to realize that feeling the way you do shows just how much you are capable of doing this job. It is when we stop caring that we have failed.

Keep up the good fight and reflect back on all of those great success stories. You work hard and even if you have made one person's life better, you have made a positive impact. Nothing can take away from that.

Much love,
Shell

restaurantrefugee said...

The ability to experience pain directly correlates to the ability to feel joy. Don't ever stop caring; and know that you have plenty of friends (real and virtual) on whom you can lean.

anOCgirl said...

thank you both for your kind, supportive words. i appreciate it more than you know.

Zipcode said...

restaurant said it well....

I am so sorry - you being passionate makes you so good at what you do! It also makes you a great friend.

instatick said...

I am so sorry.

If you didn't care, you wouldn't be nearly so good at your job.

(hugs)