reconciling god and science

This weekend I made my usual run to Target for 'necesities' (as much as one 'needs' Sun Chips and Drano).  I'm getting into the habit of bringing my reusable shopping bags every time I go thanks to the bag fee in DC (I go to the Target in DC a lot and I got tired of that fee really quick).  I brought just enough bags with me to carry what I needed to buy.

 

And then I saw that all Vitamin Waters were $1.  I'm addicted to that stuff so I stocked up of course. 

 

When I got to the check out lane, I noticed that I didn't have enough shopping bags for all the Vitamin Waters plus my necessities.  Still, I handed the cashier my bags and she went to town bagging my stuff.  Somehow, she was able to fit everything in 3 bags.  I'm not going to go into detail about these 'necesities' I had purchased so you'll just have to believe me when I say that I really didn't think it was humanly possible to pack all that stuff in 3 bags.  Impressed with her bagging skills, I complimented the cashier, "Wow you really know how to pack those things."  She replied, "Well I haven't figured out if it's God or science."  I thought about that dichotomy for a sec and replied, "Can't it be both?"  Yeah, I wasn't talking about her bagging skills any more.  She replied, "I don't think so."  I don't think she was referring to her bagging skills either. 

 

I encounter this idea a lot as a Christian and lover of science--the idea that God and science are working against each other.  Having attended Catholic school my whole life, it wasn't that strange to me that my religion classes were often followed by my science classes.  Heck, no one made a fuss when we learned about evolution.  I never questioned all the knowledge that comes through scientific breakthroughs and research (well, until I got older and understood research methods a lot better).  I've always assumed that God was the one that gifted scientists and researchers with the intelligence they possess and exercise in doing research.  And I had no problem believing that God started the Big Bang.  

 

But some Christians do--in fact, they have a big problem with science.

In fact, on a particular creationists website (I refuse to link to them, but if you really want to know, shoot me an email), the people behind the site claim that dinosaurs and humans were created by God ON THE SAME DAY.  Not that there is any proof of that other than some bible verses from particular translations that referred to God creating 'beasts' (which I've always understood to mean 'large animals').  In fact, the only resource quoted as 'proof' on that site is the bible. 
 

Why is it that some Christians are anti-science?  Are they people who believe every single word of the bible (hope they don't wear cotton blends or eat shellfish)?  Why do they feel so threatened or defensive when science disproves something contained in the bible?  If everything is a part of God's plan, was it not God's plan to give researchers the intelligence to figure out these things?  The bible is an ancient text that was written by many, many people and translated into many, many languages.  Is it possible that some things got lost in translation?  (I have a translating business on the side and, let me tell you, things definitely get lost in translation between English and Spanish and vice versa). 

These are honest questions.  I'm really trying to understand the other side here especially since I have had no problem reconciling Catholic teachings with science.

You know?  I can't help feeling that some of this is political (oh lordy...that's a whole other blog post...).

religion dilemma solved

Two weeks ago*, I went home for just over a day before heading out to Hawaii with the family. Unfortunately, this meant that I had to spend a Sunday morning at home which meant church time. It's always difficult to be forced to go to mass with my family and, this time, I didn't have Jesse with me to act as a buffer. I figured I'd be the only really, really, really lapsed Catholic in the church.

The church my family goes to is not a regular church. A few years ago, the Diocese of Orange purchased land to build the Diocese's second cathedral. This was before the pedophile priest scandal broke out. The church had not yet been built at the time of the scandal and, in an attempt to build a church community, religious services were held at a nearby grade school auditorium until a Cathedral could be built. A few years later, the Diocese still didn't have the funds to start building on the land they had purchased. Why? Well, they were too busy spending money on those case settlements for the pedophile priests the Diocese had protected**. Just last year, the Diocese bought the church community some portable units and combined them to make a makeshift church-like facility. This has been about a 5 year process. To this day, the Diocese has not yet started building the Cathedral.

When I entered the makeshift church, I noticed the community's demographic--old and young, nothing in between, and mostly Latino. I was greeted by friends of my family and soon sat down and waited for mass to begin.

Unlike all those other times since I've moved out that I've been forced to go to church, I felt like I didn't belong and I was COMFORTABLE with it. I listened to the deacon give his sermon (which was about communication) and felt that the advice was not only helpful, but universal--as in, not just advice for Catholics but for everyone. When the collection plate came by, I refused to put any money into it. Everything was fine and dandy until...

Communion time. We were seated in the second row and, soon it was my row's turn to go up to receive the body and blood of Christ. Catholic teachings require that your soul should be pure before receiving the host and the wine. Considering I violate Catholic teachings every day with my views, I knew that the Church didn't deem me worthy of receiving the body and blood of Christ. However, as I was about to sit down, my mom pinched me hard, forcing me to stay in line to receive the host.

Whenever Jesse and I go to church with my family, I never receive communion. After many years of Catholic school, I know I have sinned by violating the teachings of the Church and the sacrament of Confession requires that you reveal your sins and be sorry for committing them. I do not feel sorry about my views and my job and therefore I have not been to Confession in forever. I think my mom assumes that when I don't go up to receive communion I do it to keep Jesse company (Jesse cannot receive communion since he is not Catholic).

So my mom forces me to stay in line for communion and I know exactly what to do when I get up to the priest. When it is my turn, instead of extending my hands palm up to receive the host, I cross my arms over my chest and look down. This is a common signal to a priest that I want a blessing, not communion. The priest blesses me and I'm on my way. I'm not sure if my mom saw that I didn't take communion because when I went to my seat, she was beaming at me.

That day was remarkable to me for one reason--I realized that day that I am not a lapsed Catholic. I'm a former Catholic. While there will always be some Catholicism in my life as it is so ingrained in my culture, I feel comfortable not subscribing to one particular religion. In fact, I think I will make the following bible passage the main tenet of my religious faith:

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

From the parable of the sheep and goats in Matthew 25: 34-40


*Yes, I know that this story is way late but in the last 20 days, I've spent only 7 days in DC. The rest were business travel and vacation travel days. If you are wondering, yes, I'm still jet-lagged :)
**Everything you wanted to know about the priest sex abuse scandal in Orange County can be found here.

one man's tale of sexual orientation modification

In my experience, one of the most difficult populations to work with (in my field of work) are closeted Latino gay men.  Oftentimes, there is a self-hatred so ingrained within themselves that they lack the motivation to change their health behaviors because change would be pointless.  The depression is so deep they don't see a way out of it.  Rather than deal with the depression, they get high, they get drunk, they have sex without protection with prostitutes or women they randomly meet (in order to feel manly). 

There are two forces at work here:  Machismo and religion.  I understand that Machismo is a multifaceted problem but it comes down to this--Real Men/Manly Men are not attracted to other men.  So, if a man is attracted to other men despite his ability to change, he is both not a Real Man and weak because he is not strong enough to change.  When you come from a country with a very patriarchal social structure, there is much weight placed on one's manliness, basically from birth.  And the burden of not conforming to what is expected of you can damage one's psyche. 

As far as religion goes, Latinos tend to be very religious.  Often, religion and culture is so intertwined that it is impossible to distinguish the two.  Just go to Mexico City on December 12 and you'll know what I mean.  For the most part, most Christian faiths do not accept homosexuality, even condemn homosexuality and profess that homosexuality is an impediment to heaven.  And because every good Christian strives to lead a pious life and to make God happy, the closeted Latino gay man has no option but to change.

Except homosexuality is not a choice so how can one change that part of themselves?

According to one particular man we treated, his church thought they had the answer.  M had been going to this particular church for many years and was struggling with coming out.  He wanted to please God by changing who he is but felt that wasn't possible.  That is until M confessed to a minister during a counseling session how he thought he was gay and the minister told him that he had a cure. 

The cure?  Well, M had to lock himself in a room for 4 days.  He had to fast the whole time and only drink water.  And he had to pray to God every minute of the day.  According to the minister, if that didn't work, he was destined to go to hell.   

M did the cure exactly as it was described to him.  It turns out he was destined to be hospitalized.  For exhaustion (apparently it doesn't just happen to Lindsay Lohan).

Moreover, M wasn't 'cured.'

Through a lot of help from my staff, M left the church and came out of the closet.  Not only is M no longer depressed, but he has found the strength within himself to tell his story to others who find themselves in the same situation. 

M is still very religious.  He attends a different church now.  He now believes that God made him just as he is and will love him no matter what.  M still needs to battle against the Machismo of our culture, but at least he has reconciled with his God.

iowa supreme court shows U.S. that separation of church and state is not dead

On Friday, the Iowa State Supreme Court ruled unanimously that the state's DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) is unconstitutional. After the seriously big downer that was Prop 8, this was the most awesome news in...well...since the California State Supreme Court upheld a law allowing same-sex marriage.

I actually read the decision Saturday morning. It's 69 pages. Hey, Nicky woke me up at 7 a.m. and Jesse doesn't usually wake up until 11 so I had plenty of time to kill. Allow me to summarize the key awesome points for you...

• Regarding the plaintiffs: Like all Iowans, they prize their liberties and live within the borders of this state with the expectation that their rights will be maintained and protected—a belief embraced by our state motto (which is "Our liberties we prize and our rights we will maintain”).

• The defense: The County offered five primary interests of society in support of the legislature’s exclusive definition of marriage. The first three interests are broadly related to the advancement of child rearing. Specifically, the objectives centered on promoting procreation, promoting child rearing by a mother and a father within a marriage, and promoting stability in an opposite-sex relationship to raise and nurture children. The fourth interest raised by the County addressed the conservation of state resources, while the final reason concerned the governmental interest in promoting the concept and integrity of the traditional notion of marriage.

The Court's rationale:

• Among other basic principles essential to our form of government, the constitution defines certain individual rights upon which the government may not infringe. Equal protection of the law is one of the guaranteed rights. All these rights and principles are declared and undeniably accepted as the supreme law of this state, against which no contrary law can stand.

• Our responsibility, however, is to protect constitutional rights of individuals from legislative enactments that have denied those rights, even when the rights have not yet been broadly accepted, were at one time unimagined, or challenge a deeply ingrained practice or law viewed to be impervious to the passage of time. The framers of the Iowa Constitution knew, as did the drafters of the United States Constitution, that “times can blind us to certain truths and later generations can see that laws once thought necessary and proper in fact serve only to oppress,” and as our constitution “endures, persons in every generation can invoke its principles in their own search for greater freedom” and equality.

• No two people or groups of people are the same in every way, and nearly every equal protection claim could be run aground onto the shoals of a threshold analysis if the two groups needed to be a mirror image of one another. Such a threshold analysis would hollow out the constitution’s promise of equal protection. Thus, equal protection before the law demands more than the equal application of the classifications made by the law. The law itself must be equal. (argument against procreation as a requirement for marriage)

• It is true the marriage statute does not expressly prohibit gay and lesbian persons from marrying; it does, however, require that if they marry, it must be to someone of the opposite sex. Viewed in the complete context of marriage, including intimacy, civil marriage with a person of the opposite sex is as unappealing to a gay or lesbian person as civil marriage with a person of the same sex is to a heterosexual. Thus, the right of a gay or lesbian person under the marriage statute to enter into a civil marriage only with a person of the opposite sex is no right at all. (discrimination based on sexual orientation is illegal in Iowa)

• If the marriage statute was truly focused on optimal parenting, many classifications of people would be excluded (child abusers and sexual predators were given as examples), not merely gay and lesbian people (basically there is no fundamental difference in child-rearing between same sex couples and heterosexual parents.)

Oh and this is my favorite part of the ruling...

• While unexpressed, religious sentiment most likely motivates many, if not most, opponents of same-sex civil marriage and perhaps even shapes the views of those people who may accept gay and lesbian unions but find the notion of same-sex marriage unsettling. Whether expressly or impliedly, much of society rejects same-sex marriage due to sincere, deeply ingrained—even fundamental—religious belief.

• This contrast of opinions in our society largely explains the absence of any religion-based rationale to test the constitutionality of Iowa’s same-sex marriage ban. Our constitution does not permit any branch of government to resolve these types of religious debates. State government can have no religious views, either directly or indirectly, expressed through its legislation.

• And the Pièce de résistance: As a result, civil marriage must be judged under our constitutional standards of equal protection and not under religious doctrines or the religious views of individuals...

• A religious denomination can still define marriage as a union between a man and a woman, and a marriage ceremony performed by a minister, priest, rabbi, or other person ordained or designated as a leader of the person’s religious faith does not lose its meaning as a sacrament or other religious institution. The sanctity of all religious marriages celebrated in the future will have the same meaning as those celebrated in the past. The only difference is civil marriage will now take on a new meaning that reflects a more complete understanding of equal protection of the law.

Not much to say here. Basically the decision put forth by the Iowa Supreme Court is what I've been feeling all along. It's so nice to see my opinion defended by a legal entity.

So gays have just as much a right to get married as straights do?  Wow. What a concept.*

Source: iowacourts.gov

* Yes, that was sarcasm.

the postsecret that led to an introspection and my own secret

Yesterday, the boyfriend informed me that his parents were asking him to come to church with them again. That same morning, I had visited PostSecret (as I usually do on Sundays) and thought the post card above was particularly interesting. With the card in mind, I asked Jesse why he didn't want to go to church.

"I'm afraid I'm going to be brainwashed."

So I told him about the secret on PostSecret that I couldn't stop thinking about and he asked me, "Are you scared to go to church?"

It certainly is a valid question. When I first read the postcard, I immediately thought the person who wrote it might be afraid of going to church because a priest/minister had abused him/her. The beauty of PostSecret is that the cards can be interpreted in many ways and that was one way I interpreted it.

But when Jesse asked me if I was afraid to go to church, I had to seriously think about it. Am I afraid and, if so, what am I afraid of?

It's hard to believe (and some regular blog peeps might be shocked to hear) that I used to go to Mass every day. When I was younger, I would go to Mass with my mom first thing in the morning and she would drop me off at school right after. This stopped when I went to (my private, Catholic) high school, but even then, I would still go to church. There were mini Masses during lunch and I would often go then (maybe not every day but regularly).

That church-going past of mine seems a world away from the here and now.

I don't think I'm afraid of actually going to church. I think I'm afraid of the ramifications of going to church. I'm scared that I will sit there and actually listen to the Word of God with an open heart and open mind as I did when I was younger. That I will be reminded of Jesus and all that He did for the poor and for the sinners. That I will remember how the works of Jesus inspired me to help others, so much so that I made a career out of it. That I will be reminded that God loves everybody and for that He sent His only son to save us. That the process of the Mass and the interaction with the faithful would remind me of how innocent I was, when I believed everything that the Church taught.

Before I grew up and began to question everything.

Right now, the Church doesn't represent those things to me. Religion has been politicized and the Church has worked to dismantle the seperation between Church and State. Those few times I do go to church (when visiting my family), I sit there and listen to a politicized sermon about the immorality of gay marriage (or whatever the talking point of the month is). I watch the collection plate being passed around to help fund all those settlements for the victims of priest abuse. And then I realize that my closed heart is justified in not listening to the teachings of a priest who belongs to a Church that has not evolved.

The reality is that I have evolved and there is no place for me in the Church as it currently exists. But that doesn't mean I don't miss being the innocent, God-fearing girl I used to be.

memo to the pope: ummm, you're NOT helping!!!

I've been a lapsed Catholic for quite some time (as you all know by now from my constant complaining). And one of the many reasons why I'm dissatisfied with the Church is the Vatican's stance on condom use to prevent HIV.

Most of us know why the Church feels that condoms are bad. If you don't know, sex is for procreation purposes ONLY and anything that prevents procreation from happening is wrong (except for the rhythm method, which is ok, even though it allows Catholic partners to have sex for the purpose of intimacy and NOT procreation, but whatevs. Cognitive dissonance is the Church's MO).

The keys to HIV prevention, according to the Church, is to be abstinent and to be faithful to your partner. The abstinence requirement is laughable, seeing as that some priests couldn't keep it in their pants when abusing children. If these men of God cannot be abstinent, how are mere mortals expected to be? The faithfulness requirement is noble. Really it is. However, what are you to do if your partner is unfaithful and you don't know it or you do know but you're a woman in a patriarchal society therefore you can't speak up? Hey, if he's cheating on you with the sex workers on his truck route (and doesn't use condoms since they are bad) and brings the virus into your bedroom, apparently, you are SOL. So if abstinence isn't possible, and your partner is unfaithful, what does that leave you with? Hey, Church, is there a plan C? If plan A and plan B don't work, where is that Plan C to make sure the Church is SAVING LIVES?

*crickets chirping*

That's what I thought.

Ok, moving on, the Pope was on his way to Africa yesterday (Cameroon, maybe) and reporters were allowed on Pope Force One to answer questions that had been submitted for approval prior to the trip (naturally). Pope Benedict declared that the Catholic Church is in the forefront of the battle against AIDS. (hahahahaha...OMG, that's a good one...oh wait, the Pope is serious?)

He then followed that joke declaration with, "You can't resolve (the AIDS problem) with the distribution of condoms. On the contrary, it increases the problem."

Whaaaaa??? So not only are condoms bad, but they also help spread the disease?

I'd like to refer the Pope to these studies on the effectiveness of condoms in preventing HIV transmission: 1997 , 2000 , and 2002.

I'm not surprised that the Pope would make such a statement. However, I am appalled that he would do this on his way to Africa. Two-thirds of the world's HIV cases are in Africa alone.  Africans make up 75% of the world's AIDS deaths. The only place where Catholicism is actually growing is Africa (they might want to look into why their numbers are dwindling elsewhere). More Catholics = more people to influence. There are some countries in Africa with double digit HIV prevalence rates.

There is already so much stigma about condom use in Africa. The leader of the Catholic Church preaching lies about condom use doesn't help matters. If using them is seen as negative and then the Pope tells you that condoms actually help spread HIV, what is the motivation to use one?

You know what I would like to see? I would like for the Catholic Church to take a small village in Africa and test their Plan A and Plan B (by the way, all of Uganda did this, but they had a C, condoms, and the combined strategy helped lower the HIV prevalence there). I want them to study these people and take relevant data on a regular basis. And then after three years of tracking, I want them to see how their plan didn't work. That a lot of their subjects got infected. That unmarried people kept having sex but didn't use condoms since they think condoms help spread HIV. That married couples sometimes were unfaithful and brought the virus to their unsuspecting partner.

And then I want the Church to realize that their methods are to blame for the eventual deaths of their subjects because they didn't speak the truth about condoms.

What the Church needs to realize is that the HIV/AIDS epidemic is not a moral issue. It's a public health issue. And you, Pope with all of your lies refuted by Science, are not a public health expert.

UPDATE: Apparently, I'm not the only one mad at the Pope.  The whole HIV field is up in arms.  Oh and the NY Times put the Pope on blast today. 

UPDATE 2: Wanna do your part to help fight HIV in Africa?  Please consider donating to FHI, an agency that uses scientifically proven methods to fight HIV, TB, and malaria in developing countries. 

why religion is starting to scare me

As you know by now, I'm a lapsed Catholic with lots of issues and concerns with the Church which I often blog/rant about here. In a nutshell, the teachings of the Church basically go against many of my values and beliefs. So if I am going to go to hell because I help people by teaching them that condoms should be used to prevent HIV infection or that I love my gay friends unconditionally and believe they should get married, then, Satan, here I come!

I've blogged before about the boyfriend's parents wanting to join their church, which is not something I want to do (nor the BF for that matter). His parents have invited us many times and we've refused for x, y, and z reasons. But the last effort to get us to join was not too long ago and the BF's dad had told us that we should go because something special was going to happen that particular Sunday and he wanted us to be a part of it.

Well, apparently we missed the Big Church Recruitment Day! It's too bad we missed that. (/sarcasm)

While I was willing to go to this church in order to please the BF's parents, I'm certainly not willing to do so after I heard this story from the BF's dad:

The BF's dad, who has a bachelors and a masters, owns his own business, and is an otherwise sensible man, has decided that the theory of evolution is a hoax. Why? Because the church pastor told him so.

I'm shocked that a pastor has so much influence over his congregation. I seriously doubt this man has a PhD in biology. The pastor shouldn't be talking about things he's not familiar with.

What's even more depressing about the BF's dad's sudden change of mind, is that a Gallup poll was conducted on Charles Darwin's 200th birthday (which was earlier this month) and found that only 39% of people surveyed believe in evolution. Poor Darwin probably rolled over in his grave.

The poll results show that religious people are least likely to believe in evolution.  .

Evolution is a fact supported by evidence. Its root is the concept of natural selection--that favorable traits are more often passed on from generation to generation than unfavorable traits. How else do you explain how the modern bird evolved from dinosaurs? (This is Evolution 101 here. I'm aware that this paragraph has not done the theory any justice)

Is it impossible to believe in both evolution and creationism? No. When I was a practicing Catholic, I didn't think the bible was meant to be taken literally (well, I still don't.  After all, it was written by tons of people, none of whom were perfect). I believed that God created that which, through the process of evolution, became the world as we know it today. I don't know what "that" is. But it certainly wasn't humans as they are now because humans did not exist during the dinosaur era (contrary to what Sarah Palin believes). And I believed that God created that which eventually became dinosaurs.

Still, it upsets me how easy it is for religious people to dismiss science. Where would we be without science? We'd still be using leeches to cure disease and drinking unsanitized water.

Is it so hard to believe that scientists were blessed by God with the intellect to do research and develop theories based on the facts that exist by the grace of God?

world AIDS week: the pope says "just say no to condoms"

I have plenty of beef with the Catholic Church (as long time readers already know), but my biggest beef is the fact that the Pope refuses to acknowledge that condoms prevent the spread of HIV and will NOT condone the use of condoms by Catholics for this purpose.

This image pretty much sums up my argument nicely:


Way to sentence the Faithful to death, Pope.

However, there are some sensible Catholics out there (sensible = knowledgeable yet questioning) who do not live and breathe by the Pope's edicts. The non-profit Catholics for Choice is an excellent example. In conjunction with the National Latina Institute for Reproductive Health, they created a series of Spanish-language radio ads to encourage Latino Catholics to use condoms and to let them know that it is not wrong/immoral to use condoms to protect yourself against HIV.



This first ad is a grandmother talking about her gay grandson. Despite the Church's teachings, she encourages him to use condoms. She tells her grandson, "I took care of you because I love you and if you love that man, you'll take care of him, too."



In this ad, a couple uses Catholic rhetoric, describing sex as sacred but then they conclude, "We are Catholics and people of faith and we know sex is sacred and that we need to take care of each other. And this means using a condom every time we have sex."

These radio ads will be featured on NYC radio for the month of December. But the message is so incredibly groundbreaking, I wish Catholics for Choice had funding to air these abroad. There are many people, especially those in Latin American countries, who attempt to live and breathe the Pope's edicts regarding what good Catholics do and do not do. The HIV infection rate in these countries is steadily increasing and the Church's teachings that condoms are bad/don't work certainly do NOTHING to curb the spread of HIV.

According to the Vatican, condoms are wrong. According to Catholic bishops worldwide, condoms:

• are "contaminated with HIV in order to finish quickly the African people.” Archbishop Francisco Chimoio, Maputo, Mozambique
  
• encourage “inappropriate sexual activity.” Cardinal Edward M Egan, New York in a statement denouncing NYC's plan to distribute millions of free condoms to fight the spread of HIV
  
• "turn life into a life without responsibility” and "the use of the condom encourages people to have inconsequential and irresponsible sex.” Cardinal Geraldo Majella Angelo, Brazil, right before Pope Benedict visited the country
  
• make "promiscuity increase since a majority of our people end up engaging in casual sex.” Archbishop Ndingi Mwana a’Nzeki, Nairobi during the opening of the national religious leaders’ conference on stigma, denial and discrimination in Kenya

The funny thing is that one of the earliest teachings I remember from Catholic school is that God gave us all Free Will. Apparently, the Church thinks that a little piece of latex is so damn powerful that we give up our Free Will when we use them and, instead, give in to our bodily urges. So according to the Church, condoms are a Catholic's kryptonite.

According to Science (oh yes, that unGodly source of information and knowlege), condoms help prevent the transmission of HIV (and other STIs). This wouldn't be the first time that the Catholic Church has ignored Science and then was proven wrong (remember that time when they thought the world was flat?). And if this anti-condom stance is about a no-sex-outside-of-marriage thing, then I can show you a number of faithful, married women who have tested positive for HIV thanks to their unfaithful husbands.

So, how about it, Pope? How about you let the Church come into the 21st century (and be relevant) and allow Catholics to use condoms?

Heck, the sensible Catholics already do.

source for above quotes: catholicsforchoice.org

pigs can fly now, hell has frozen over, and the sky is falling!

The world is coming to an end on Sunday. Well, my world anyways. Jesse and I have been asked to go to Church. And we've decided to go.

This is particularly momentous for me because...well...I don't do Church any more. I only go when I'm home and my mom wants me to. The one time in recent memory where I tried to put my foot down and not go to Church because I feel like a hypocrit when I'm there, my mom flipped out and started this enormously unncessary family quarrel which did not end well.

Jesse's never been a fan of Church either for different reasons. I think he's just bored at Church. Me? Well, I'm idealogically opposed to a lot of what the Church preaches now (I'm all for 'doing onto others...' and helping those less fortunate, but not the anti-gay, anti-condom crap). But I continue to hold out hope for the Church. When the Catholic Church decides to evolve into the 21st century with practical teachings that apply to life today, then I'll happily go back.

We're going to Church because Jesse's parents have been asking us to join them for quite a few months now and because there's something *special* going on this Sunday (whatever that means. Jesse never presses his parents for the details. I'm nosy enough to ask for all pertaining information. I need to train him on that). The potential in-laws were very religious when Jesse was younger but became lapsed Baptists after that. Nearly a year ago, they started going to this Baptist Church in PG County (that's Maryland for you Cali folks) and feel especially inspired by the pastor there. Ever since then, they've been trying to get us to go.

Jesse went once without me. It was his mom's birthday and he went to Church to make her happy. I can certainly understand his rationale.

Part of me kinda wants to throw a tantrum and refuse to go. I've been feeling very anti-religion since the passage of Prop 8 in California. Another part of me knows it would be good to go and make a good impression on the potential in-laws (not that they don't like me already, but it never hurts to earn brownie points). Jesse wants to go because he knows it would make his parents happy. But is it worth going to Church if we're going for the wrong reasons? Going to Church to make others happy is not a good reason to go.

But we'll still go.

And hopefully, I won't burst into flames when my heathen self steps into the House of God.

the ongoing saga of my faith crisis

With my sister being completely incapacitated after her surgery, I knew that I would have to take her place in helping our mom out. This means taking mom out for her usual errand running, but most importantly to me, this also meant taking my mom to church. Although I haven't willing gone to church in a while, I quickly accepted the fact that accompanying my mom to Mass would be a tiny sacrifice I would have to make.

On Saturday, when I asked my mom if she wanted to go to church on Sunday (as a conversation starter, of course, I already knew the answer), she meekly replied, "Umm...yes, if you want to drop me off and then pick me up, that would be nice." She said it with such painful hesitation that it broke my heart. With resolution in my voice, I replied, "No, I'm going with you." The expression on her face softened and she seemed pleased by this news.

On Sunday, I woke up early, put on a dress, and took my mom to church. It was the feast of the Ascension, when Jesus finally ascended into heaven following His resurrection and post-resurrection Gospel-spreading. It was also the day 6 children were celebrating their First Communion.

The easy-going priest teased the kids with a pop quiz on the day's scripture readings and the gospel. The kids were front and center and probably overcome with nervousness. They didn't answer a single question. Every time a question was asked, I resisted the urge to shoot up my arm and say, "ME, ME, ME" like back in my elementary school days. I answered the questions under my breath, hoping that one of the first communion kids would hear, knowing that my mom definitely did. I realized that 13 years of Catholic schooling really does stick with you.

When time came for the Faithful to get up and receive communion, I remained in my place. I had no intention of going up, knowing that the Church considers my soul to be unclean and therefore not worthy of receiving the Body and Blood of Christ. As my mom got up and followed the procession to the priest, she kept turning back, probably hoping I would change my mind and follow her. I knew I was disappointing her by not going up with her, but I knew in my heart that it was the right thing for me to do.

When my mom returned to our pew, I noticed her eyes had welled up with tears. She eventually came and sat down in the seat next to me and I proceeded to take her hand and just hold it in an effort to comfort her. I will not apologize for who I am and what I do for a living (jeez, you'd think I was a hooker or something--I'm just trying to prevent the spread of HIV one condom at a time). And my mom can't change that.

She should know. She raised me to be stubborn.

I just wish she wouldn't take this decision so personally. My straying from the Church has nothing to do with her, but more to do with my decision to think and judge for myself. I strongly believe in certain things that the Church is against. I still believe in God and in being a good person and in helping those less fortunate. I will not become evil just because I'm not a practicing Catholic.

Maybe one day my mom will see the value in my beliefs, regardless of whether they are attached to an organized religion.

separation of church and partying

My friend's birthday was this weekend and we all went out to celebrate. One of her friend's was also having a birthday so they combined their birthday celebratory efforts into one big outting. Although I don't really know this friend of a friend, she is nice and her friends were very welcoming.

After drinks at a bar/restaurant in Adams Morgan, we head over to Meskerem for dinner. Slightly off topic but I've had better Ethiopian food than Meskerem (I'm partial to Dukem, actually) and the chairs there are super uncomfortable. My spine was very grateful when I finally stood up at the end of the meal.

There was a nice hodgepodge of people there to celebrate the two birthdays. One of my favorite things about living in DC (not that this is limited to DC in particular but it's something I rarely experienced back home) is how you can have a group of very different people get together and have intelligent conversations about the biggest issues going on in the world. I got the sense that we were all on the same page here, except for the one guy at the table who was supporting McCain (not that there's anything wrong with that except the fact that he's anti-choice).

When our food came, I was ready to dig in. Oh no, but wait! Someone wanted to pray. Huh? Well, I normally wouldn't object to thanking the Lord for the food we were about to eat, it was something I hadn't done outside of my mother's presence since elementary school. It was odd and I was pretty uncomfortable about it. As we all held hands and people bowed their heads in reverence, I looked over at the birthday girl, who just so happened to be raised Muslim, and gave her a "What the heck?" look as soon as I heard the prayer leader say the word 'God'.

Even today, several days after the outting, I am still wondering why this bothered me so. Have I become so anti-Catholic that normal Christian activities make me uncomfortable? Was I upset over the fact that the prayer leader (who's idea it was to pray) didn't take other faiths into account during her prayer? Am I just incredibly hung up on being politically correct?

I don't know. Maybe all of the above?

haven't i been here before?

I went back to Cali this weekend for my sister's 40th birthday bash. The bash was Saturday and I stayed on Sunday before flying back to DC on Monday morning. I had hoped to have a nice, quiet Sunday with my family. But then again, it was Sunday which is the Lord's Day (and the day lots of devoted Catholics--including my mom and sis--go to church). I should've known that would cause some trouble.
My loyal blog peeps already know why I don't willingly go to church any more (in case you've missed it, I'm pro-choice, pro-gay rights, pro-condom usage, and anti-pedophiliac priests). So when it was time for my mom and sis to go to Church on Sunday afternoon, I told them that I wouldn't be going. Why? Because I'm sick of being a hypocrite.

Naturally, my mom wasn't happy about this. She tried to convince me to go to church, even went so far as to blame my generalized anxiety disorder on how I'm no longer close to the Lord. All I had to do was spend one hour a week with Him, that's all He asks. "The Lord welcomes the sinner into His home," she said, clearly implying that it's ok for me to go even if my relationship with the Church has become estranged. How nice.

The truth is that I still believe in God. I still believe that Jesus is His son. I still believe in basic Christian ideals (be good, give to the poor, etc). But I don't believe in all of the other things that the Church says I should believe in if I am to be a devout Catholic. I'm not a bad person, but apparently it's a sin for me to give out condoms while doing HIV testing (according to recent doctrine announced by Pope Benedict). I believe that all people should be treated equally and fairly, yet my gay friends cannot get married or express themselves physically.

So I explained the following to my mom: "The Church says that all of these things that I strongly believe in are wrong. That promoting condoms is a sin. That homosexuality is a sin. Well, I don't believe that. In order to be forgiven for my sins, I need to be sorry for them. Well, I'm not sorry for believing that gays should be allowed to marry. I'm not sorry for handing out condom packets when I do outreach."

My sister pitched in and offered her theory that I view this issue from a political lens--as if my refusal to go to Church is a protest of some sort. Yes, that's true. If I go to Mass and sit there in silence, I feel that I am supporting this. By not going, I won't be supporting the Church and it's teachings. I explained to my sister that the Church's teachings are out of date with the times. Unless the Church evolves and catches up with the rest of the world, then I won't support it.

"Ok then. You're an adult. It's your decision. You know how mom and I feel," my sister said. My mom continued to plead her case and convince me to go with them. I sat there and listened out of courtesy. But my mom already knows how stubborn I can be.

Yes, I am an adult. And it is my decision. And I'll continue to develop my own relationship with God

I just wish my family would truly respect that.

the sh*t has hit the fan

I think I want to fly back to DC now.

Last night, I went out to dinner with my mom and sister. While waiting to order, my mom started grilling me about Jesse. She wanted to know everything there is to know about him and his family. Some of the questions she had already asked before. Others were new. Regardless, I had no problem answering them.

And then we got on the topic of religion. As you already know, my mom is devoutly Catholic. She knows that Jesse isn’t Catholic and she wants me to make him convert. Seeing as that I am not exactly a practicing Catholic, I think it would be hypocritical of me to ask my boyfriend to convert if he wants to marry me (for the sake of argument, let’s pretend he does). And seeing as that I have some serious problems with the Catholic faith, it would be hypocritical of me to even get married in the church.

So then my mom called me out on how I never go to church any more. She wanted to know why. Honestly, I am really sick and tired of lying to her about ‘occasionally’ going to church and maybe it was time for her to know the truth. But the restaurant was certainly not the place.

I refused to answer her question, but my mom pressed me for an answer. Since she was so insistent, I decided to tell her. “Mom, I’m sorry, but I can’t be faithful to a religion when I don’t agree with its actions or teachings. I have a hard time moving on past the fact that the church did nothing about the pedophile priests except move them around to other parishes so they could have a fresh group of victims. I have a hard time accepting that the Church says gay people cannot express themselves emotionally or sexually even though God made them that way. And I have an especially hard time accepting the fact that the Church doesn’t approve of condom promotion to prevent HIV transmission. The fact of the matter is that the world continues to change, but the Church doesn’t. I’m sorry, but this isn’t 1950.”

I could see the look of hurt in my mom’s eyes. I was hoping she was thinking, All those years of Catholic school have gone to waste. But instead, she blamed herself for my straying from the Church. And what's worse is that she got all emotional over it.

“If you’re father were here, he’d be so disappointed in me. If you had stayed here instead of moving to DC then you’d still be going to church like you used to. I should’ve never let you go.”

I hate when she brings up my dad to guilt trip me.

The truth is that a long time ago, I learned to think for myself. I questioned my faith many times and even brought my questions to priests who could never give me a satisfying answer.

The last straw was when I went to a Saturday evening mass at a church in downtown DC. During the sermon, the priest got political and starting telling the congregation how abortion was wrong. Yes, I already knew that was one of the opinions of the church. But this sermon had nothing to do with the gospel. And I was sick of sitting there, listening to a priest preach against a choice that I support. I decided right then not to compromise my personal beliefs for that of the Church. On that day, the Church and I parted ways. I refused to be a hypocrite anymore (except for when I’m home and my mom forces me to go to church).

My mom hasn’t said a word to me since dinner (the silent treatment is quite popular in my family). Jesse arrives tonight so I’m hoping that will thaw her out.

I’m not sure how to make up with her even though I really want the rest of this vacation to go smoothly. I’m certain that she expects an apology from me.

But I refuse to apologize for who I am.

i love you, mom, but i've gotta be me

Recently, my mom’s guilt tripping has been a lot less frequent than it used to be. For the first couple of years I was in DC, she would ask me to come back because she missed me. The request was really sweet. I am the youngest and the ‘baby’ of the family. In fact, my mom still calls me ‘baby’ to this day (she calls Serena, my 18 month old niece, by the same name). It’s embarrassing, I know. But my mom would ask me to come back home every single day (because she called every day). It got old…quick.

My mom and I had a falling out right around the time that Jesse and I became serious (shortly after we initially said the I love yous). It was probably the biggest fight we’ve had since I was a teenager. She was upset that I was in a relationship that she suspected would keep me on the opposite side of the country forever. She said some things that I had no idea she felt and I subsequently shut her out of my life—for a short while. My heart needed the recovery time. We’ve made up, of course, but now the phone calls between us are every couple of days instead of every day. The guilt trips have not stopped. They're different now.

As I became more liberal, I stopped going to church. It’s not that I don’t believe in God, because I do, Ann Coulter. I thought it was hypocritical of me to attend. I am, after all, pro-gay rights, pro-choice, pro-euthanasia, and pro-contraception (you already know how I feel about sex before marriage). I realized that I was fooling myself 2 years ago when I attended a Saturday night service at a church in the city. The sermon was about abstinence only sex education and how it was the only way to keep kids safe. I walked out during the sermon. I could no longer support a religion that stood for everything that I am against.

My mom does not know that I’ve come to this conclusion about the faith that she worked so hard for me to learn and grow in. I don’t have the heart to tell her. Instead, I’ve put on the hypocrite hat whenever I go home and attend Mass with her. I’d rather lie than hurt her because she’s such a devout Catholic (apparently, I’m pro-dishonesty too).

Last night, when we spoke, she asked me if I had gone to church (it being Sunday and all). I told her no. She got upset and asked me why. Because the Church hates gays, because it’s unrealistic about sex ed., because it won’t support the use of condoms to prevent the spread of HIV, because it would prefer that an unwanted child be born to a rape victim. I replied, “I don’t know.” “Liz, you know how important it is to go to church. The least you could do to thank the Lord for all that He’s done for you is go to church once a week. That’s all He asks. And take Jesse with you. I know he’s not Catholic, but he should go too. Even though you don’t go, I pray for you at church.” Thanks, mom.

My mom will never believe what I believe—that everyone is entitled to their own relationship with a higher being if they so chose. They should have the right to challenge their faith and choose the path that is right for them. As my niece’s Baptism sponsor, I will do my best to guide her faith, support and encourage questions, and provide her with the information to make the right decisions for her based on what she believes in (I wish I'd had that). Mom, I’m sorry I’ll never be the kind of girl you raised me to be. But I think too much.