religion dilemma solved

Two weeks ago*, I went home for just over a day before heading out to Hawaii with the family. Unfortunately, this meant that I had to spend a Sunday morning at home which meant church time. It's always difficult to be forced to go to mass with my family and, this time, I didn't have Jesse with me to act as a buffer. I figured I'd be the only really, really, really lapsed Catholic in the church.

The church my family goes to is not a regular church. A few years ago, the Diocese of Orange purchased land to build the Diocese's second cathedral. This was before the pedophile priest scandal broke out. The church had not yet been built at the time of the scandal and, in an attempt to build a church community, religious services were held at a nearby grade school auditorium until a Cathedral could be built. A few years later, the Diocese still didn't have the funds to start building on the land they had purchased. Why? Well, they were too busy spending money on those case settlements for the pedophile priests the Diocese had protected**. Just last year, the Diocese bought the church community some portable units and combined them to make a makeshift church-like facility. This has been about a 5 year process. To this day, the Diocese has not yet started building the Cathedral.

When I entered the makeshift church, I noticed the community's demographic--old and young, nothing in between, and mostly Latino. I was greeted by friends of my family and soon sat down and waited for mass to begin.

Unlike all those other times since I've moved out that I've been forced to go to church, I felt like I didn't belong and I was COMFORTABLE with it. I listened to the deacon give his sermon (which was about communication) and felt that the advice was not only helpful, but universal--as in, not just advice for Catholics but for everyone. When the collection plate came by, I refused to put any money into it. Everything was fine and dandy until...

Communion time. We were seated in the second row and, soon it was my row's turn to go up to receive the body and blood of Christ. Catholic teachings require that your soul should be pure before receiving the host and the wine. Considering I violate Catholic teachings every day with my views, I knew that the Church didn't deem me worthy of receiving the body and blood of Christ. However, as I was about to sit down, my mom pinched me hard, forcing me to stay in line to receive the host.

Whenever Jesse and I go to church with my family, I never receive communion. After many years of Catholic school, I know I have sinned by violating the teachings of the Church and the sacrament of Confession requires that you reveal your sins and be sorry for committing them. I do not feel sorry about my views and my job and therefore I have not been to Confession in forever. I think my mom assumes that when I don't go up to receive communion I do it to keep Jesse company (Jesse cannot receive communion since he is not Catholic).

So my mom forces me to stay in line for communion and I know exactly what to do when I get up to the priest. When it is my turn, instead of extending my hands palm up to receive the host, I cross my arms over my chest and look down. This is a common signal to a priest that I want a blessing, not communion. The priest blesses me and I'm on my way. I'm not sure if my mom saw that I didn't take communion because when I went to my seat, she was beaming at me.

That day was remarkable to me for one reason--I realized that day that I am not a lapsed Catholic. I'm a former Catholic. While there will always be some Catholicism in my life as it is so ingrained in my culture, I feel comfortable not subscribing to one particular religion. In fact, I think I will make the following bible passage the main tenet of my religious faith:

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

From the parable of the sheep and goats in Matthew 25: 34-40


*Yes, I know that this story is way late but in the last 20 days, I've spent only 7 days in DC. The rest were business travel and vacation travel days. If you are wondering, yes, I'm still jet-lagged :)
**Everything you wanted to know about the priest sex abuse scandal in Orange County can be found here.

sometimes all you need is a little help from your friends

Yesterday, my office was taken over by the IT guys who were trying to fix my new work computer.  Because the spare department computer was being used by someone who was taking a webinar, I had no access to a computer at all for about 4 hours yesterday.  In between clients, I sat in the waiting room, reading through some really boring DC regulation stuff for my program.

Shortly before noon, a guy and a girl came into the waiting room.  They checked in with the HIV counselors and were handed some paperwork to fill out (standard procedure before an HIV test).  The guy was gay and the girl appeared to be a very good friend of his.  He seemed really nervous as he was filling out his paperwork.  After the girl finished her paperwork, she rubbed her friend's back as he tried to get through his.  "Everything's going to be ok.  Trust me," she said in a soothing tone. 

Soon after, the HIV counselor came out and asked them, "Who's first?"  The guy turned to his friend and said, "I can't do this right now.  I'll feel better if you go first."  And then his friend disappeared into the counseling room.

While waiting, the guy was really fidgety.  I wanted to ask him if he was ok, but we weren't alone in the waiting room.  There were a couple of other people waiting for their results. 

Several minutes later, his friend came out and it was the guy's turn.  As he passed her by, she said, "It was easy.  Really.  I'll be right here when you're done." 

When the guy came out of the HIV counselor's office, he told the girl, "I have to wait 20 minutes.  I can't wait that long.  Let's go to Starbucks."  And off they went. 

About a half hour later, they came back.  The guy complained about how the coffee made him even more nervous.  When the HIV counselor came out, he called the girl first.  With confidence, she walked back into the counseling room.  I've seen that walk before.  I recognized her demeanor as one of someone who is expecting a negative result (usually rightfully so).

A short while later, the guy went in.  When he came out of the counseling room, his friend looked at him expectantly as a wide grin spread over his face.  "I'm negative!  I'm negative!" he exclaimed happily.  His friend gave him a big hug and said some stuff to him that I couldn't hear.  When they pulled away from the hug, the guy pulled a paper bag from behind him and said, "And they gave me lots of free condoms!  I'm never having sex without a condom again." 

I smiled to myself.  Sometimes scaring kids straight is a good method of HIV prevention.

As they got into the elevator, the guy pulled his friend into a hug again and said, "I'm so happy you came with me.  I wouldn't have done it without you."

The elevator doors closed and witnessing this whole exchange gave me the warm fuzzies.  His friend went with him and got tested to give him the support he needed to get tested himself.  How awesome is that? 

 

the image i got when googling warm fuzzies.  source geocities.com

In my years of doing this kind of work, it's rare to see two people get tested together.  Usually, testing is a solitary event, with people sometimes going out of their way to get tested in a place where he/she wouldn't run into friends.  They're alone and ashamed and anxious.  I imagine that the short wait time to get the results when you think you might be positive feels like an eternity.  It can be a stressful event that one doesn't have to take on by him/herself.  Sometimes having a caring support system is all you need.            

This whole thing kinda makes me want to offer my support and company to anyone who is too scared to get tested.  Any takers?

condom wallets: fashion do or don't?

I'm at this training this week and among all the things I'm being taught here, one of those is to give condoms to all clients at all times. Professionally, this is like straight from the Book of Duh. But the bigger question is how do you make condom use cool?

By having a condom wallet to carry your condoms, of course!

Here's one by Kenneth Cole via thisnext.com

Here's some faux patent and faux leathers ones from Condomania.com

Here's a vintage looking one from ebay (bidding ends June 10th!)

I'm ready to go ahead and order hundreds of these (not from any of the above sellers though) for my program. But I have several questions. Would guys use this? Would tough, macho-looking guys use this? What would women think if a guy pulled this out right before sex? Would they think, "Oh wow, he's being safe"? Or would they think it's lame?  Would women use these?  Or do most women assume it's the guy's responsibility to carry the condoms?

Blog peeps, I would love your opinion on this.

new prez + change = science/politics*

Last night, I was delighted to read that a federal judge ruled that the Bush administration was wrong and determined that Plan B (emergency contraception) should be available without a prescription to girls as young as 17. Ok, so the previous age was 18, but still! This is a big step in the right direction. Now, if we can just get Plan B to be truly available over the counter, as opposed to behind the counter and under the judgmental eyes of a pharmacy tech, everything would be awesome!

If you recall, Plan B was held up for OTC approval in the FDA by many Bush cronies who did not want this pill to be available to teens because of the potential for the creation of teen sex cults!!! No, seriously. That was one of the reasons. Their line of reasoning was that, with increased availability to Plan B, teens would not be able to control their raging hormones any longer and engage in wanton (unprotected) group sex and then pop Plan B pills like candy afterwards. This wasn't based on actual facts (naturally, this was the Bush Administration after all) or anything. In fact, studies showed that teens didn't engage necessarily in careless sex if Plan B was available to them. In fact, their sexual habits showed no change.

But we all know that the Bush administration was averse to science and research and facts (global warming is another great example).

After 8 years of anti-science crap, we now have a president who does not place politics over science. Last month, the new administration worked to remove one of Bush's last acts known as the Provider Refusal Rule. Essentially, the Provider Refusal Rule or "Conscience Clause" (was written to be incredibly ambiguous and open to interpretation on purpose) allowed for religious ideology in the clinical setting. Under the rule, workers in health-care settings -- from doctors to janitors -- can refuse to provide services, information or advice to patients on subjects such as contraception, family planning, blood transfusions and even vaccine counseling if they are morally against it.

For example, if a clinician felt uncomfortable providing birth control or a Plan B prescription or the HPV vaccine, it was within his/her right to refuse to provide it to their patients. The thing is that judgment has NO place in health care, especially religious judgment. If you have a problem dispensing birth control (but not Viagra), then don't be a pharmacist. Don't want to perform an abortion if the mother's life is in danger? Well, then maybe you shouldn't be an OBGYN.

It's the same thing outside of health care. Do you hate Latinos and think gays should burn in hell? Then you wouldn't want my job. So why was the health care field specifically targeted in the Conscience Clause? Because of abortion, of course!

As a public health geek, it is so refreshing to have a president who thinks sound science should be the basis for policy as opposed to religious ideology. The NY Times piece above quoted Dr. Susan Wood, former director of the Office of Women's Health at the FDA who resigned because she didn't want to be part of Bush's morality militia. She commented, "There is a new chance to restore the scientific integrity of the F.D.A.”

Oh God I hope so.

*the title should be read as: new president plus change equals science over politics.

sorry, obama, but bristol palin is fair game

I'm not trying to turn this blog into anti-Palin all the time, but Sarah Palin is so infuriating that I can't help but vent. Today, let's discuss the hypocrisy of her teenage daughter's pregnancy, shall we?

I know Obama recently said that Palin's family life is not a fair topic for discussion (and Republicans recently lambasted the media, saying that these sort of matters are private), but considering Palin's political views, Bristol Palin's pregnancy is fair game. Why?

Well, for one, the woman is anti-choice. And yes, that means choosing to carry your child to term as well as choosing not to. Lucky for Bristol that she had a choice. If McCain and her mom get elected, others in her situation will be forced to let the government make that choice for them.

Secondly, the woman opposes the use of contraception. Clearly, whatever Bristol used didn't work (or worse, she probably didn't use any).

Palin, being staunchly anti-choice, believes abstinence outside of marriage is an absolute and attainable goal. Clearly, it was not a choice that her daughter felt she was capable of. Perhaps there are others that are not fans of abstinence.

Moreover, Palin does not approve of sex education, whether it's abstinence only or comprehensive. So, I'm assuming she taught her kids about sex then. Perhaps she forgot to tell her daughter about the part where sex sometimes leads to babies. She was probably too busy going on and on about abstinence and how great it is.

Legislatively, Palin is not a fan of teen mothers, using a line item veto to cut funding for programs for teen mothers. I suppose Bristol doesn't want in? Sadly, not all teen mothers have the support of her family in raising a new family. But Palin only cares about her own, naturally.

And quite possibly, the most hypocritical thing about this whole situation is that it's considered a private matter, not a political one. So, lay off, media! Stop being mean to the GOP's incredibly underqualified VP candidate! Oh and stop digging up all that dirt that makes her unqualified/hypocritical/unethical/look downright bad.

You know what, Palin? Yes, an unexpected pregnancy is a private matter. Clearly, government should have no say in what you and your daughter choose to do with the pregnancy. Yet you are against a woman's choice, advocating for our government to have a say in such pregnancies? So what is it? Is pregnancy private or political? Palin, you can't have it both ways.

Speaking of hypocrites, has anyone else noticed how the evangelicals are all rushing to Bristol Palin's defense, praising her for doing that 'right thing' and keeping the baby and marrying the father (yup, b/c a forced marriage at 17 is always the smart thing to do)? Apparently they forgot all that ABSTINENCE ONLY sh*t they spout and how sex outside of marriage is a sin.

I suppose it's no longer a sin when your mom is running for VP.

if anyone knows condoms, it's me

Did you know that 1 in 20 District residents is HIV+?

Yeah, it kinda makes you rethink that random hook up from this past weekend.

I can't stress this enough with my clients or the 5 people who read this blog: use a condom every time!!! Since I practically live and breathe this message, I know quite a bit about condoms. I'm constantly reading reviews and testing what's out there to see what condoms the community would actually use. Sure, you can give people your basic Durex condom for free (with some lube and some educational materials), but they won't use it unless it feels good. And your basic Durex condom (which DC's HIV/AIDS Administration loves to give out for free--despite my disappointment--when they have condoms available) is really no fun.

So here is what I know...*

Worst Flavored Condom
Trustex Flavors
(image courtesy of condom.com)

Maybe the vanilla flavored works but the others all have a lube-y aftertaste, which might lead to an activation of the gag reflex which is so not sexy during oral. Also the smell is not pleasant (smells like lube but with sugar). But I have to give Trustex some points on the cheeky banana flavored condom, despite it's grossness.


Best Flavored Condom
Lifestyles Flavors
(image courtesy of condom.com)

If you're about to perform oral sex on someone, this is the condom to use, girls. There's still a bit of a lube-y aftertaste, but it's very minor compared to Trustex. And the smell is similar to the flavor--for example the Strawberry flavored condom actually smells like strawberry! Imagine that!

Worst Condom for Sensitivity
Trustex Extra Strength
(image courtesy of undercovercondoms.com)

Yes, I get that no one wants a condom to break during sex. So maybe you're tempted to pick up an Extra Strength condom. Well, don't reach for the Trustex! Their Extra Strength condom is so thick, you might as well kiss sensitivity out the window.

Best Condom for Sensitivity
Crown Skin Less Skin
(image courtesy of condomdepot.com via amazon.com) 

I had never even heard of these condoms before I started my HIV prevention job, but apparently everyone loves them! These condoms are light pink in color and super thin, yet incredibly strong. Forget "ribbed for your pleasure"! This is the condom you want to use if you want to feel like you're not using a condom at all.

Best Condom for Large Girth but Average Length
Lifestyles XL
(image courtesy of safesense.com)

Honestly, the only thing that is XL about this condom is the width. It is about 15% wider at the base that your typical condom, but it's less than 8 inches long (average condom length hovers between the 7 to 8 inch mark). So if your partner is stocky (down there, I mean), then this is the best condom for you.

Best XL Condom that lives up to the Hype
Trojans Magnum
(image courtesy of allcondoms.com)

I like to go against the grain sometimes and these condoms are so damn popular that I really wanted to hate them. But I can't. However, this condom is truly for the well-endowed man (wide girth and long length) as it is wide (though not as wide as Lifestyles XL) and definitely long. Remember, fit is everything when it comes to condoms (a good fit ensures less slippage and less breakage). So if you're really not that big or wide, don't get these condoms just to boost someone's ego.


Best Condoms when you're fumbling around in the dark
One Glowing Pleasures
(image courtesy of onedesigncontest.com)

One Condoms are awesome. Their packaging is great and unique (each individually wrapped condom contains a message on it with a play on the word 'one') and the Glowing Pleasures condom glows in the dark for about 30 minutes which should be more than enough time to find it while you're making out in the dark. In addition, the condom, while lubricated, doesn't smell very lube-y.

Best Condom Overall
Crown Skin Less Skin
Oh, Crown. Everyone who's tried this condom totally loves it. It has just the right amount of lube (however, if you like lube, you might want to add a bit more) and DOESN'T SMELL. I don't know about you, but smelly condoms are a bit of a turn off. Also, the material is so thin that most guys I know who have used it claim it feels like there's nothing on. If you don't like using condoms because of *insert excuse here*, then these are the ones for you.

Remember, peeps--no glove, no love. Keep yourself and your future partners protected.

* These reviews are from my experiences and the experiences of other people in the field, as well as feedback from clients. If you know of other great condoms out there (or really crappy ones) then please make your case in the comments.

my sincere apologies to my republican friends

Regular readers of this blog should know by now for whom I will be voting for president come November. In the past, I have refrained from saying anything negative about the GOP nominee, John McCain mostly because my GOP disdain is often reserved for those who truly deserve it--like Tancredo, Bush, Cheney, Helms, Brownback, etc. I've respected McCain and honestly believe he should've been the GOP nominee 8 years ago and not just because the world would've been a better place had Bush not been 'elected' the leader of the free world.

But McCain's behavior as of late has really disappointed me. The Obama as celebrity ad? It's hideous at best (not to mention completely out of touch, seeing as that neither Paris nor Britney have really been up to their antics lately, nor will either of them be hearing their name chanted by a crowd of thousands any time soon). Offering his wife up as a Miss Buffalo Chip contestant? Yeah, I'm sure Mrs. McCain was pleased to know that she would have to appear topless and maybe bottomless if she were to compete.

Regardless of his lack of integrity as of late, let's get down to what matters to me as a voter. As you know, my two issues are HIV/AIDS and a woman's choice.

We all know how McCain feels about a woman's choice. He wants to take it from us. He's received a score of ZERO from Planned Parenthood and if you want to know what he has voted against as Senator that might affect you as a woman, check this out.

But as far as his HIV/AIDS stance, well it's not even on his official website. As far as I can tell, it might not even be on his radar, which is really disturbing seeing as that we recently found out that the estimated rate of AIDS incidence in the US is higher than we thought.

As far as how McCain feels about HIV/AIDS, thankfully I found this little doozy from the NY Times:

Reporter: “Should U.S. taxpayer money go to places like Africa to fund contraception to prevent AIDS?”

Mr. McCain: “Well I think it’s a combination. The guy I really respect on this is Dr. Coburn. He believes – and I was just reading the thing he wrote– that you should do what you can to encourage abstinence where there is going to be sexual activity. Where that doesn’t succeed, than he thinks that we should employ contraceptives as well. But I agree with him that the first priority is on abstinence. I look to people like Dr. Coburn. I’m not very wise on it.”

(Mr. McCain turns to take a question on Iraq, but a moment later looks back to the reporter who asked him about AIDS.)

Mr. McCain: “I haven’t thought about it. Before I give you an answer, let me think about. Let me think about it a little bit because I never got a question about it before. I don’t know if I would use taxpayers’ money for it.”

Q: “What about grants for sex education in the United States? Should they include instructions about using contraceptives? Or should it be Bush’s policy, which is just abstinence?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “Ahhh. I think I support the president’s policy.”

Q: “So no contraception, no counseling on contraception. Just abstinence. Do you think contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “You’ve stumped me.”

Q: “I mean, I think you’d probably agree it probably does help stop it?”

Mr. McCain: (Laughs) “Are we on the Straight Talk express? I’m not informed enough on it. Let me find out. You know, I’m sure I’ve taken a position on it on the past. I have to find out what my position was. Brian, would you find out what my position is on contraception – I’m sure I’m opposed to government spending on it, I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it.”

Q: “But you would agree that condoms do stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Would you say: ‘No, we’re not going to distribute them,’ knowing that?”

Mr. McCain: (Twelve-second pause) “Get me Coburn’s thing, ask Weaver to get me Coburn’s paper that he just gave me in the last couple of days. I’ve never gotten into these issues before.”

You've never gotten into these issues, Senator? Seriously? Not sure if you've heard, but AIDS is this disease that is deadly and has been killing thousands of people each year since it's discovery in 1981. It's been 27 years later and you can't answer whether a condom prevents HIV transmission?

The ignorance sickens me, really. How can I, as someone who is on the front lines of the fight against this disease, how can I expect the people of DC to know how to protect themselves when the potential president of the United States isn't sure?

For more on McCain and AIDS, check this out.
For more on McCain and women, you have to go here.

a public service announcement

Smoking is bad for you.

Have you heard this enough in your life? Do you need help finding a way to quit?

To be honest, I've never smoked a day in my life. Not a single thing. I'm probably the only person I know who didn't experiment with smoking 'something' in college. (By the way, this does not mean I was Straight Edge Girl in college. I just made drinking my vice.) So before you smokers assume I'm going to get all self-righteous on you, I promise you that I won't.

It's hard to quit stuff that you're addicted to that aren't good for you. For example, I LOVE sour candy. Can't get enough of the stuff. And now I have cavities. That's what happens when you indulge in something that isn't good for you.

I recently had the pleasure of helping a co-worker quit smoking. Actually, he's a former co-worker as he has since been fired from his job for not doing it. Work, that is.

But Ed (let's call him that, shall we?) is a young man of maybe 22. The kind of guy who would flirt with the cute girls who attended our health fairs even though he was being paid to work (yup, that firing = Karma). He's a good looking guy, I guess, if 'young' and 'baby-faced' is your thing.

So one day, during one of Ed's many smoke breaks, I informed him that smoking was bad for him. He told me that he already knew but he had tried quitting and it didn't stick. And then I asked him if he liked having sex (hey, I do this with random strangers when I do outreach. I have no qualms about asking a personal question). Naturally, he replied 'yes'. Then I said, "Did you know that male smokers are at risk for decreased sexual function? Meaning, if you keep smoking, don't expect to get it up when you're older." He answered, "Yeah, right." I replied, "Oh you don't believe me? I'll be happy to show you the research study that proves this."

The next day, I emailed him a link to the study abstract.

His email reply? "LOL. Ok, I'm quitting right now."

Ed never took a smoke break again.

So the threat of lung cancer or emphysema didn't work. But the threat of ED...yup, that did the trick.

really, your kids are having sex. like seriously.

Before school let out for the summer, I was doing some HIV outreach near a DC high school which I've heard has the highest graduation rate in the entire city. It also has a day care for the students with babies.

Getting to work as early as I do, I often see these girls with their babies on their way to school. They all look so young. It makes me incredibly sad that children are having children. I'm very aware of the fact that kids that age are having sex. But I'm not desensitized to the point where I don't feel bad when seeing a kid with a baby in her arms.

Still, kudos to the school for allowing those girls to continue their education.

Obviously those kids are sexually active. However, I am forbidden from doing outreach at the school or handing out condoms to anyone under 18. So, when I passed by the school a few weeks ago and saw what I saw, I seriously considered breaking the law.

There are windows in the school's stairwells and I saw two kids going at it. Clearly, they should've been in class. And I could've sworn this school had security guards or maybe some scary looking hall monitors. I grabbed one of my condom kits and when the two finally came up for air, they looked out the window and saw me waving the condoms at them. My aide and outreach partner laughed at me. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Clearing these kids are doing it. Hopefully not now, but later, I'm sure. They better use a condom, damn it," I replied. If they're going to have sex, they might as well protect themselves, right?

With school out for the summer, I've been seeing more and more kids out during the day when I do outreach. Since I'm not on school grounds, I'm tempted to talk to them. However, the grant that funds my program forbids us from reaching out to anyone under 18. So, when a 13 year old came up to me and asked for some condoms, my immediate reaction was to tell him, "No, sorry, you're not old enough." His reply: "I'm old enough to have sex."

Touché, little punk. Touché.

The activist in me said, Hey, these kids are having sex. You have an obligation to give them the tools they need to protect themselves. The goody-two-shoes in me said, The agency funding your program doesn't want you reaching out to youngsters. In addition, the goody-two-shoes in me shook her head at me and looked at me with disappointment.

With school out, I know I'll be encountering kids like these more and more. I need to come up with a solution that I can live with.

The activist in me is winning the battle inside my head to determine what is the 'right' thing to do.

national HIV testing day: pimping myself out for my job

I've been spending quite a bit of time doing HIV/AIDS outreach in the mean streets of DC for the last two weeks. I'm on the look out for people who are 'at-risk' which is public health speak for people who are most susceptible to HIV infection for whatever reason. These reasons could be: poverty, drug use, alcohol abuse, living on the down low, etc.

I encounter my fair share of shady characters when I'm out in the streets, giving out free condoms and urging people to get tested for HIV. And for some reason, the guys I encounter feel that my outreach efforts are just an opportunity to hit on me.

Here is a sample of what I heard last Friday night:

• "Well, I don't actually have a girlfriend right now, but if you're free, maybe we can use the condoms together."

• "You're real pretty. Are you married? What size shoe do you wear?"

• "I don't think these condoms are going to fit. Do you have any Magnums or XLs? I'm a big guy if you know what I mean. Heh, heh. Maybe I can show you." (yes, I give away free XLs too)

• "You gotta boyfriend? Cuz if you don't, then maybe I can use these condoms with you."

• "I don't need an HIV test. I don't sleep with prostitutes. I'd sleep with you though."

Here is what I would like to say to them:

• "Look, just because I'm giving you condoms as a means to SAVE YOUR LIFE doesn't mean that I want to use those condoms with you. Get your own damn partner!"

Here is what I actually say to them:

• "ENJOY!"

Speaking of saving your life, do you remember when your last HIV test was? If it was 6 months ago (or longer), then it's time. Today is National HIV Testing Day. The test is quick, painless, and bloodless. All it takes is a simple swab of your mouth and in 30 minutes or less, you'll get your results. If you're not sure where you can get a confidential HIV test near you, check out this site.

In other HIV news, the Centers for Disease Control released a report today that shows HIV infections are rising yet again in the gay male community, especially between the ages of 13 and 24. Come on, peeps! Use a condom and get tested!!

I'm stepping off the soapbox now.

Oh wait a sec. Before I get off the soapbox, for anyone who's going to question why I do what I do when I encounter the kind of people who make remarks like those above, I should tell you that for every 5 creepy guys, I get one person who is grateful for those condoms or watched a brother, cousin, best friend die of AIDS and appreciates what I do. And if those creepy guys at least get tested or use those condoms, then my work is done.

Ok, NOW I'm off the box.

women can't be trusted...never, ever, ever

Seeing the following images on one of my favorite political blogs, Clintonistas for Obama, really pissed me off.





















































Lucky, I went over to Kenneth Cole’s AWEARness blog and found this little gem.



I feel somewhat better now.

a message for the protesters at the supreme court today

Today Roe v. Wade turns 35. I can’t believe it’s been so long. It’s not often that I think about this freedom, this choice that I have. Perhaps I take it for granted. But as more and more state governments chip away at the choice granted by this court decision, I’m forced to reflect on the consequences of this court decision. Who knows how much longer women will have this choice.

Despite my Catholic upbringing, as a child I was pro-choice and didn’t know it. I would hear the message in church, at my private Catholic school in religion class, in conversations my mom had with her church friends. Abortion is wrong. It’s murder. Life begins at conception. I’m not sure how old I was, but I know that I was a kid when I had an interesting conversation with my sister about the subject of abortion. I was confused. Why would a morally abhorrent act be legal? And so I questioned. I shared these questions with my sister. I asked her, “Why is it anyone’s business what someone does with her own body?” She answered, “Because it’s wrong to have an abortion.” I then asked, “Well, then who are we to judge someone who would make that choice? Isn’t it in the bible to ‘judge not lest you be judged’?”

Many women have an abortion because they can’t give that child the best life possible. A friend of mine had an abortion because she was not in a position to raise a child (emotionally nor financially) and felt that it was unfair to that child to bring him/her into the world under such circumstances. Yes, she wrestled with her decision for quite some time. It was not an easy one to make. But in the end it was her choice. And I will never judge her for it.

What anti-choicers don’t understand is that we are all pro-life. Despite the difference in rhetoric, we have much in common. As a pro-choicer, I too would like to see a reduction in the number of abortions in the United States to zero. Not because Roe v. Wade will have been overturned. But because we provided comprehensive sex education to all children. Because women now have easy access to birth control. Because men everywhere decided that they too have an active role in pregnancy prevention. Because Plan B (the morning after pill) is available over the counter to every female who needs it, including minors. Because condoms are no longer locked in a cabinet at convenience stores.

So, anti-choicers, that’s what it’s going to take to reduce the number of abortions in this country. You wanna put down those ‘Abortion is murder’ posters and join me in the fight for better sex ed, cheaper birth control and easy access to Plan B and condoms?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

a scandalous affair in DC? No way!

I was at a conference on Monday and I left it around lunch time (I’ve been quite the busy worker bee so I apologize for the absence of posts). My coworker and I jumped in a cab and headed to the office. We got stuck in traffic on M St.

While waiting at the light on M St. and Connecticut Ave., our cab driver, who hadn’t really tried to spark up a conversation earlier, said, “I feel sorry for that driver.” My coworker and I looked at each other and mouthed, “What did he say? Is he talking to us?” I asked him to repeat and he said, “The driver in front of us…poor guy.” My coworker and I looked at the cab in front of us and saw an older gentleman (probably in his late 50s, early 60s) with a woman (in her 40s, tops) making out in the back seat. They were going at it like animals on the Discovery Channel. It was like nothing I had ever seen in public during the day, in a cab stuck in traffic.

Quick confession: Actually, this has happened to Jesse and me, but it was late at night and dark with no traffic and we were both drunk and we couldn’t help ourselves. I wonder if Jesse remembers…

Anyway, like the train wreck that is Britney Spears, my coworker and I couldn’t help but watch. It was rather intriguing. The woman, who initially appeared to be sitting next to her lover as they made out, apparently was a master contortionist. Her body was completely twisted around; her back was facing the cab driver.

My coworker said, “Awww…that’s so cute. I hope that when my fiancée and I have been married for a long time we still make out like that.” I looked at my naïve coworker and said, “I don’t think they’re married. Well, he probably is, but that’s not his wife in the cab with him. I bet you he’s having an affair and this is their lunch time quickie.”

Our cabbie turned to me and nodded his head in agreement. He said, "I think you're right." My coworker said, “Really? That’s so sad.” The realist in me replied, “For all we know, that could be some congressman or something and they’re on their way to their rendezvous hotel.” And that was when we noticed that the woman could not possibly be sitting next to her lover. She was apparently sitting ON her lover. I screamed, “Oh my God, she’s on top of him!” We watched in shock as the woman writhed on her lover and the lover sucked on her neck.

Eventually, we lost them. I was hoping we could see if they were heading to a hotel.

But I REALLY hope the man had a briefcase with him so that he could get out of the cab discreetly.

cosmo is not my bible

Oh Cosmo. When I was much, much younger (and virginal), I had a subscription to Cosmo. I aspired to be a Cosmo girl some day—an expert at seducing men and a fashionista who never questioned whether my shoes matched my outfit. However, shortly after the second year of my two year subscription started, I noticed that Cosmo liked to re-‘publish’ the same stories over and over again. Sure, they had different titles. But the idea was still there. How to please your man and keep him coming back to more. The Kama Sutra Issue. The Even More Kama Sutra Issue. The Issue with Sex Positions not found in the Kama Sutra. After a two year subscription, I still can’t name a single Kama Sutra position. I say, figure out what works and stick with it.

Anyways, I came upon a Cosmo article that made me laugh and I just had to share. It’s The 10 Sex Cravings All Guys Have (and I suppose Cosmo did extensive research on what all guys everywhere want from a sexual partner). Here are the 10. And since I obviously have an opinion on these, my thoughts follow each craving. DISCLAIMER: my opinions in no way reflect my current sex life unless otherwise noted.

1. He wants a girl who can turn herself on. Well, duh, ladies. How do you expect to get turned on by your man if you don’t know which buttons he has to push? Someone’s gotta tell him where to go and what to do! Take charge of your sexuality and practice on yourself!
2. He wants sex to be fun. Ah, yes. Because women just love to cry during sex.
3. He wants you to drop hints. Sometimes, boys need some instruction. It may be the only way you’re gonna get yours.
4. He wants to watch. Typical. The guy just sits there and the girl has to do all of the work.
5. He wants you to be naughty. Of course he does. It’s called the Madonna/Whore complex. He wants a lady outside and a freak in the bed (why do I feel that line is from a rap song?).
6. He wants a “Wow, what was that?” experience. Oh really. Well, girls want the same kind of experience. It takes two to tango, baby. If the guy wants a mind-blowing experience, he better be prepared to do his part.
7. He wants to mix things up. Variety is the spice of life.
8. He wants nookie out of nowhere. Hmmm...the surprise seduction. This goes both ways, boys. Does this mean you’re gonna start seducing us in the middle of Halo 3 or the Redskins/Cowboys game? Because that would be a surprise.
9. He wants to take you. I have no argument against this.
   
10. He wants to do nothing sometimes. Ummm...sometimes? If a guy could just lie there in bed all of the time and still get his, he would want to do nothing all of the time. When a girl wants to do nothing, there’s just no sex.
    

Ladies, please take heart in knowing that Cosmo couldn’t have possibly interviewed every man in America for this article. I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there who love to give and receive equally (and some probably love to give more than receive, in which case, you’ve hit the jackpot). Guys, please don’t accuse me of being a male-hater. I actually kinda like boys.

At least most of the time.

kids, sex, and AIDS

Last week, I had the opportunity to attend an ACTION lunch (ACTION = AIDS Clinical Trials Information & Orientation), hosted by the DC Care Consortium. It was my first one and I was super excited. The topic for the lunch was kids and HIV/AIDS.

They screened a movie at the lunch which spurred a lively discussion. The movie was called Please Talk to Kids about AIDS. It was a documentary-style film of two girls, ages 4 and 6, who attended the last International AIDS Conference. The little girls walked around the conference interviewing some of the top peeps in the AIDS world (i.e. Anthony Fauci of the NIH, Kevin Decock of the WHO, etc) and others who are working to make a difference and/or speaking out about their experience with HIV. The girls’ questions and interactions with these people were not scripted.

Now, as you could imagine the girls asked these people some very (seemingly) basic questions about the virus and AIDS, such as Why is AIDS bad and What does HIV do. And some of these top AIDS peeps couldn’t really give any answers a child would easily make sense of. It was interesting to see these experts in their field using scientific terms that a child couldn’t possibly understand (heck, some adults probably couldn’t either). I imagine this is because these AIDS directors, who work for some of the most internationally recognized medical organizations in the world, are so used to speaking to knowledgeable audiences that they found themselves incapable (at a moments notice) to go down to the level of a child’s understanding. However, there were some who did speak to the children with a refreshing amount of honesty (no sugar-coating here) and with words the girls could get (one of them—Laurie Garrett, I want to say—actually used hand gestures and props to explain to the girls how HIV invades the body).

And speaking of a child’s understanding, I think the girls definitely held their own. They also ventured to the exhibit portion of the conference and met some of the more colorful characters there, including a man dressed in drag (who provided one of the more lighthearted interactions with the girls as he tried to explain to them why he was a man dressed as a woman) and a representative from The Condom Project, an organization that raises awareness of condom use through innovative ways, such as using condoms in art (this representative asked the girls if they knew the meaning of the word “demystify” as she tried to explain her organization’s purpose).

Here are my take-aways from the movie and ensuing discussion:

• Just because you talk to kids about a presumably adult topic doesn’t mean they are going to go out and put themselves at risk. In fact, I’m willing to bet that these girls are going to grow up and actually use the information they learned to arm themselves against this disease. Why do I feel that way? Well, mostly because these adults that took the time to explain the nitty-gritty of the HIV/AIDS to them were open and truthful. The HIV-positive people they spoke to were even more so. And it was ok.

• The younger you talk to your kids about these difficult topics, the better. If you wait too long (or until you’re ready), your kids may already be exposing themselves. I imagine that as a parent, it would be hard to address such topics with your kids, but I’d rather get over my personal hang-ups about the issue then to allow my kids put themselves in danger. You might never be ready. In my opinion, silence equals allowance. Your silence will not only allow these kids to get their information elsewhere, but it will also keep you in the dark. The reality is that kids these days are doing things we would never have imagined doing when we were kids. If this is a possibility you don’t even want to think of, get over it.

• Kids have a higher capacity for tolerance than adults. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised as kids are born innocent and are eventually corrupted by their environments (it made me sad to type that just now but it’s true). But I watched as those kids talked to sex workers and drag queens with complete ease and I got emotional. I was just in awe of these girls’ capacity to unconditionally accept these people, people who are otherwise considered (by some) to be on the outside of mainstream society. I often become idealistic at moments like these and just think, if everyone had the same capacity for tolerance as these two little girls do, then the stigma from having HIV/AIDS would be gone and no longer in issue. If the stigma is no longer an issue, then people would be more willing to get tested and to seek treatment. And most importantly, people who don’t have HIV would be more willing to show compassion for those who do. A little love and acceptance really does go a long way.

Anyways, I wish I could show you a clip of this movie but there isn’t one. If you would like more information about the movie, check out this link. If you are interested in future ACTION lunches, check out the Fight HIV in DC blog (which is an excellent guide to DC’s AIDS activism).

have you used Plan B?

I know this is a rather unorthodox way to use this blog, but if you have used Plan B since it's gone over-the-counter and you're comfortable talking to someone about this, can you please email me ASAP? My email address is on the right.

Thanks, blog peeps!

P.S. This is for my work, not the blog.

the damn cat's out of the bag

I was supposed to go to Pittsburg for the weekend but Jesse got sick and we ended up going up there just for the day on Sunday so that Jesse could get in some quality guy time with his visiting friend (BTW, it was hot as Hades, plus we weren’t in Pittsburg for very long so I have no pics to share). Since Saturday ended up being a leisurely day of laying around and cuddling with my boo, I just had to ruin it by calling my mom that evening.

The phone conversation was going well until we started talking about my upcoming trip home. She asked me just how much time we were planning on spending in Orange County. I told her that we would be in Orange County and what days we would be in L.A., San Diego, and Catalina Island. And then she kinda changed the subject.

M: How long have you and Jesse been together?
Me: We just had our 3 year anniversary.
M: And when are you going to get married?
Me (sigh): I don’t know, Mom. I’d like to know that too.
M: Well, what are you waiting for?
Me: I guess I’m waiting for Jesse to be ready. I’m ready and he knows I’m ready.
M: And I’m ready for you two to get married. I don’t approve of your lifestyle and I plan on talking to Jesse about it when you guys come to visit.
Me: I’m sorry. “Lifestyle”? I thought you said you were ok with me and Jesse living together.
M: Yes, that’s ok. What I don’t approve of is living in sin before marriage. I would feel better knowing that you’re living like this because a marriage is imminent.
Me (at this point, I’m seriously concerned that my mom has figured out that I’m not a virgin): Living in sin? Yeah, I suppose we are but you’ve known that all along.
M: Yes, but I didn’t know that you and Jesse know each other intimately.
Me (DAMN IT! She knows. I don’t know how she knows but she does. I freak out but remain calm on the phone.)
M: You know, I really thought that you were going to wait until you got married. I’m disappointed in you. But what’s done is done. I’m assuming that since you already went ahead and did what you know you weren’t supposed to do that you’re planning on marrying Jesse.
Me (notice how she doesn’t actually use the word ‘sex’ but uses rather creative euphemisms instead): Yes, mom, I know in my heart that I only want to be with Jesse.
M: Well, I need to know what his intentions are because I simply don’t approve of your lifestyle. He needs to tell me that he’s going to marry you.
Me (quietly): Me first.

My mom goes on to tell me about other stuff (thankfully), namely, my sister’s recent meeting with her ex, Mr. I-Love-You-After-Three-Dates. It turns out that she doesn’t want to get back together with him. I’m so proud of her.

So, now, Jesse and I have some family drama to take care of. Thank goodness we’re only spending a couple of days in the OC. At first, I was ok with my mom giving Jesse “the Talk’ about marrying me. But if it’s going to include a lecture on how sex before marriage is wrong, then I must object. However, I neither confirmed nor denied having sex with Jesse so maybe I can keep the lie alive and avoid this whole conversation with my mom. Or I could just come clean and tell her the truth. And if I’m feeling particularly sadomasochistic, then I should add that I work for a pro-choice organization, I haven’t been to church in years, and I refuse to be a practicing Catholic because I don’t agree with the Church’s teachings on almost everything (namely abortion, euthanasia, gays, and gay marriage). Also, I find it hard to follow a Church that has done everything in its power to protect known pedophiles.

Or maybe I just won’t tell her all of that extra stuff and not get kicked out of the family.

Ok, so my mom knows I’m having sex and not saving myself for marriage like she previously thought. But her knowing this is so much bigger than that. I feel like I’ve come to a crossroads here. On one path, I could come clean about everything and my mom will finally know the real me. The destination of this path is definitely not clear but it may involve some shunning on my family’s part. Then there’s the other path, the safe one. This one involves denying the sexual activity, pretending to be the good practicing Catholic that I am not, etc. At least I know my family will continue to love and accept me if I take the safe path.

I know what the right path is. But it’s scary.

I can’t believe that I am 28 years old and dealing with this crap.

on pigs, sex, and prophylactics

What Jesse knows about reproductive health policy and whatever sexual health issues are being debated this week comes from me. I relish this role primarily because, when it comes to my soapboxing, Jesse represents the Average Joe. He is the ideal audience member because his mind hasn’t been made up yet until all the facts are presented to him. Unfortunately for me, this makes him a swing voter, so this means I have to really poke and prod come election time to convince Jesse to go Dem all the way.

But I digress. Last night, Jesse and I were eating dinner and the TV was on. It’s almost always on while we eat dinner but that’s because there’s often something worthwhile on TV (read: a Law & Order episode) during supper time. That was NOT the case last night. Instead, MTV provided the background noise to our dinner conversation. That is, until the new Trojan condoms commercial came on. We both stopped talking/eating and turned to the boob tube.

Last week, Fox and CBS refused to air this commercial. Their reasoning? According to the New York Times story, Fox said that it had rejected the spot because, “Contraceptive advertising must stress health-related uses rather than the prevention of pregnancy.” Oh really, Fox? Since when did you become the paragon of virtue? This from the network that brought us “Temptation Island.” I suppose this means that CBS and Fox will be pulling those Viagra and Cialis ads then.

Yeah, right.

For those of you not familiar with the commercial, the ad takes place in a bar with normal looking women surrounded by pigs (presumably men), moving around the bar as bipeds. At the actual bar, a pig is approaching a woman who looks entirely uninterested. So, the pig takes a bathroom break and outside the bathroom door is a condom dispenser. He takes a condom and immediately turns into a ‘hot, sexy’ guy. This time, when the guy gives the uninterested woman another shot, she actually pays attention. The screen turns black and the words, “Evolve. Use a condom every time” appear.

After watching the commercial, I asked Jesse if he had seen it before. When he told me that he hadn’t, I asked him if he had heard about all the controversy with Fox and CBS. He asked, “What controversy?” So I explained to him why Fox and CBS refuse to air the ad. And Jesse’s response was, “But there’s nothing in the commercial about preventing pregnancy. They’re just telling you to use a condom every time you have sex. That could mean anything, like preventing STDs.” Yup, I know.

So when an Everyman (with no agenda) like Jesse gets it, I’m curious as to why CBS and Fox don’t.

See for yourself…

too many boobs and va-jay-jays for one weekend

So I’m back from my weekend work trip to Chi-town and, boy, was it eventful! I was there to attend an event as a representative of the non-profit I work for—a conference about nurses in reproductive health. Trust me, there is never a dull moment when the topic is sex.

Unfortunately, I was working in the expo hall next to a group that was promoting a certain method of birthing—water births. Apparently, this entails giving birth in a shallow tub of water, often while naked and most often, in the presence of your husband/baby daddy and other kids (and sometimes, they’re naked too). Oh and did I mention that no epidural is involved in this method? I suppose it’s to have the full experience of giving birth. If you ask me (not like I would know since I’m currently childless), I think I might enjoy the experience of birth better if it were relatively painless.

The actual reps from the organization were really cool and very pleasant. But they aired this video and slide show simultaneously and on repeat EVERY DAY. The video contained shots of actual water births…women in all of their birthing glory (naked, mind you). The slide show contained still shots from water births. All day for 3 days I saw this video continuously. Did I mention that the video’s sound was on? There I was networking or promoting my org and our programs and I would occasionally be interrupted by the screams of a woman in the throes of birth. It was distracting to say the least.

And someone should’ve told these women that if their births were going to be captured on camera, they should probably groom themselves down there. At least, that’s what I would do (not like I would ever want the birth of my children to be filmed for strangers to see). I would want my va-jay-jay to be camera-ready.

The funny part was the slide show. The slide show not only detailed the procedure and described the ideal candidates for this, but also provided still photographs of water births. So in one slide you would see a shot of a picture of a woman, mouth agape (probably screaming) and about to give birth. And then the next shot would be of a visibly exhausted mother cradling her child with all of her family members celebrating around the mother, often with champagne or party favors. If I had just given birth, I think I would be too tired to party. But since those family members didn’t actually go through many hours of labor, they had plenty of energy to celebrate. I felt bad for those mothers (especially because I would need a drink after all of that work).

After being subjected to this for 3 days, I now have these images of babies popping out of hairy va-jay-jays seared into my brain. The graphic images and constant screaming is almost enough for me to consider permanent sterilization.

I left the conference with a new appreciation for birth control.

does my mom already know my biggest secret?

I recently spoke to my mom and we had another jaw-dropping, eye-opening conversation. Not only was it surprising and disturbing, but I missed an opportunity to come clean about something. Feel free to reprimand me in the comments. I deserve it.

But first, hear me out on a bit of background. My mom is not a seer or anything, but somehow she just knows things before they actually happen. It’s not supernatural or anything. I think it just comes with the experience of being a mom for so many years. Additionally, my mom shares with me the belief that dreams tend to actually mean something. My mom and I differ on the origin of dreams. I say they come deep from the subconscious. My mom thinks dreams are some kind of divine message from above, as if God is trying to tell her something.

And finally, my mom still thinks I’m a virgin. Yes, I know it’s silly. And I know that it doesn’t make sense. After all, I live with my boyfriend (something she knows already) and we share a bed (a fact that my mom just recently became aware of). But when she repeatedly asks me if we’ve had sex, I tell her no. I know that my super traditional, extremely religious, incredibly conservative mother would be very disappointed in me if she knew the truth. So I lie. Ignorance is bliss, they say.

Like I said, my mom and I were talking the other day and she told me that she had a dream about me the night before that she couldn’t stop thinking about. I was fully aware of the possibility of opening Pandora’s Box by asking her about the dream, but I also felt that maybe she was using this as an opportunity to discuss something with me that had been bothering her. And I wanted to hear her out. So I asked, “What was the dream about?” My mom answered, “I dreamed that you were pregnant.”

Stop the presses (or blog publishing)! Why would she dream that? Was she trying to tell me that I might get preggers soon? Was she trying to talk to me about having sex? On the inside, I had a major freak out. On the outside, I calmly told her, “Well, mami, that’s silly.” She described the dream in further detail. Apparently, I got pregnant (hold the ‘congratulations’—this was in her dream). My mom wasn’t sure if Jesse and I were married in the dream. But I had the baby on the East Coast and she had to travel to see her new granddaughter (apparently it was a girl). And she was a beautiful little tan baby with curly hair (woo hoo! Just what I was hoping my babies would look like).

As my mom was detailing the dream, I tried to calm my inner freak out. I can’t possibly be preggers. For one thing, I work in sexual health. You better believe that I am completely regimented and responsible when it comes to my birth control. It would have to take an act of God to get me pregnant (or a complete reversal of the science I know to be true). Secondly, I am a planner. A baby is just not part of my plan right now. Someday definitely. But not any time soon.

When my mom was done telling me about the dream, she had just one question. “Is there something you should tell me?” my mom asked with trepidation. I thought about my birth control, my regimen, my lack of morning sickness and my previous use of the word ‘silly’ to describe my mom. I told her with confidence and a little laugh (to point out the absurdity of her suggestion), “No, mami, I’m not pregnant. That’s just not possible.” She sighed with relief and we got off the phone shortly after that.

But in retrospect, I wonder about that question. There IS something that I should tell her. I hate lying but most importantly, I hate lying to my mom. I should come clean about that whole virginity thing (and how I lost it long ago). But I still think that it might be best if she never finds out. Is it better for me to continue to lie to keep from hurting or disappointing her? Or should I just tell her the truth, knowing that it’s going to hurt and maybe change our relationship forever?

Still I wonder if that “something” she asked about was really sex. Maybe her subconscious is telling her, “You know your baby’s having sex” and it came out in this dream. Maybe that question was my one opportunity to talk to her about it.

Part of me is relieved.

Another part of me feels really, really guilty.