jogging along in the marriage race

If you’re my boyfriend and you’re reading this, you might want to proceed with caution (it’s readable, just potentially terrifying).

The other day, I received a wedding announcement in the mail. My friend Jackie was finally marrying her boyfriend, a boy she’s been with since her first day of college. She had already told me about the engagement, so receiving the announcement in the mail was no surprise. In fact, I knew it was gonna happen soon. They’ve been together for 7 years. Her boy just needed to buy the right ring.

What struck me at the time I opened the announcment was how it was actually going to happen. On a beach, in FL, next spring, my friend J is getting married. MY FRIEND Jackie is getting married. Wow. I’m finally going to a wedding for one of my friends, as opposed to Jesse’s.

When I first starting seeing Jesse over two years ago (I was 25 at the time), none of my friends from home were married, nor were they close to getting married as all were happily not married. A few short weeks after Jesse and I met, Jesse was to attend the wedding of a friend with his ex-girlfriend as his date (it’s a great story for another time). My reaction (beyond the whole, “I can’t believe you’re taking your ex-girlfriend when you’re dating me now”) was, “You’re going to a friend’s wedding? But you’re only 26! You have married friends?” Jesse said, “Yeah, I have a few married friends. I basically go to a handful of weddings every year now.” At 25 I had yet to witness one.

This year, I got to be Jesse’s date for the Wedding Tour of 2006. In March, one of my Cali friends had a shotgun wedding (she’s due in a couple of weeks). And now I find out I’m going to a wedding next spring. This is all so strange to me.

I tried to put the feelings into words the other night when I was talking to Aditi. She was telling me about our friend’s baby shower and how she found baby shower traditions to be odd (why you ask? Because she had never been to one and as an only child was never around babies). I told her, “I can’t believe Kim is having a baby in a few weeks. Doesn’t it feel like people all around us are becoming adults and we’re not?” Aditi replied, “Oh my god, I know what you mean. It’s like we’re behind.”

I certainly have no desire to have children at this time. In fact, I think my biological clock isn’t even on. But I feel as though, at the ripe old age of 27, I should be on track to get married (insert Jesse hyperventilating here). Ironically, I don’t want to get married anytime soon. So, I guess what I’m trying to say (so not eloquently) is, I have a desire to get married, yet I don’t actually want to get married in the near future (insert Jesse breathing sigh of relief).

I believe that people live their lives at their own pace. But, as I’m getting older, I catch myself comparing my pace to that of others. Jackie’s getting married and she’s younger than me. Kim is having a baby and she’s my age. I feel this pressure to keep up and not get left behind in the marriage race. But why? What’s the hurry? This pushing on my back—where’s it coming from? Do I just want to get married soon but I’m still too cynical to admit it?

Whenever I bring up the future of our relationship with Jesse (a topic I occasionally torture him with), Jesse always responds, “But aren’t you happy now? I like the way things are.” The answer is always, YES, of course I’m happy now. However, I want some assurance that we’ll be together and happy in the future.

So I could just be satisfied with Jesse’s love in the present. Or I could just obsess over whether or not he’ll still love me in the future.