who's gonna pull the race card?

Families really are interesting. They can be embarassing, while being a source of pride. They can be supportive, while bringing you down. They can say the most ridiculous things, but you’ll defend them because they’re family. Despite all this, our family is a very important part of who we are and who we aspire to be.

This weekend, I will be Jesse’s date for his family reunion. I’ve never been to a family reunion of any kind so I’m curious to see how this is going to go. I’ve had visions of family reunions as picnics in a big park somewhere and everyone wears the same t-shirt with a cute graphic and the words, “insert surname here family reunion” and people are playing frisbee while the boys grill the hot dogs. Well, that’s not happening on Saturday. Jesse’s family reunion is at a hotel. The dress is business casual and there will be a dance. And tickets are required for admittance.

I’m nervous. So nervous that I had to pick out my reunion outfit in my head this morning because I wanted one less thing to be freaked out about (brown, cross-over neck dress…there will be some cleavage exposure which could be covered with a wrap if Jesse thinks it’s too much boob…gold strappy heels, gold clutch, gold heart necklace, USC class ring). Jesse’s immediate family likes me (as far as I can tell) so I have no logical reason to be nervous.

My stress is coming from the fact that I may be the only non-Black person there. Sure, Jesse’s parents and sister have been more than accepting of me (his mom even made me a stocking for X-mas). But that’s no guarantee for his extended family.

This makes me sad. Ever since that kid on the NYC subway called me a “white bitch” for being with Jesse, I have had this insecurity. I never thought of Jesse and me as being an interracial couple until that day. When I look at Jesse, I see him for who he is—an ambitious, sexy man who loves me and makes me happy. He may be black, but I’ve never described him as such. I just don’t see how race is important.

Unfortunately, race is important to other people. And I normally don’t give a sh*t about what other people think. But this whole race thing is new territory for me. And the insecurity is hard to shake.

I write this post with a lump in my throat. I’m scared even though I shouldn’t be. I know that Jesse is all that matters and this shouldn’t be a big deal.

So, why am I worrying about this?