the biggest secret I’ve ever kept

For my birthday, I have decided to put myself out there (even more than I usually do) and reveal a secret that I’ve had to keep for the longest time.

I’m not a virgin.

I know you’re all shocked.

Keeping with the honesty theme here, I should probably tell you that everyone in my life knows that I’m not a virgin except for one, lonely soul—my mom. My poor mom thinks I’m still as pure as freshly fallen snow. And frankly, I’m not prepared to burst her little hopeful bubble.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering how it is that my mom doesn’t know I’m not a virgin despite the fact that I:

• Work in the sexual health field
• Have blogged about sex
• Have blogged about getting paid to talk about sex
• Live with my boyfriend where we presumably share a bed
  

Luckily for me, my mom doesn’t know because:

• I’ve lied to her about it
• She trusts me
• She’s computer illiterate and has only seen this blog once
  
• My brother and sister haven’t told her anything.
  

My mom is very conservative. She is extremely religious. She doesn’t question much. She has lived in this country for over 40 years and still has the thickest accent. She primarily watches Spanish-language TV. She is old-school traditional and probably will always be. I’ve come a long way in helping her come around to keep up with the changing times. I’ve informed her of many things to keep her in the know (like how AIDS isn’t a gay man’s disease, why we haven’t won the war in Iraq, how a virus causes cervical cancer, how important it is to get a mammogram, etc.). I encourage her to keep an open mind. But with some issues, I know she will not be open-minded about. And sex is definitely one of them.

I have never talked to my mom about sex. I imagine that she’ll finally tell me about it right before my wedding night. She has no idea that I’m pro-choice. She’s not quite sure what I do for a living. One day at work, I was translating into Spanish a patient ed. brochure on contraception methods. I called her because I wasn’t sure of the proper sentence structure to use. It just so happened to be the blurb about diaphragms. When I read her the sentence I came up with, her comment was, “Well, you know the best form of contraception is the rhythm method.” I smiled to myself and said teasingly, “Oh isn’t that what you were practicing when you had me?” (actually it is)

I love my mom dearly. And I am very honest with her about other aspects of my life. Despite that, I’m planning on taking this secret with me to the grave. If I told my mom that I’ve had sex, she’d be angry at first. She’d probably make some comment about all the money she spent sending me to good Catholic schools and if I had ever learned anything from that. She’d probably ask how I could possibly disrespect the Lord and my body like that especially after taking me to church every day when I was a kid. And then she’d cry and be sad.

But what’s worse is that she would be so disappointed in me that she would never look at me the same way again. The whole religious concept of being “pure” until marriage is so important to her. With her whole heart, she hopes that my sister and I will stay virginal until marriage. If I told her the truth, she would be devastated.

Sure, I could tell her someday. But what would be the point? It would be selfish of me to unload my conscience only to hurt her immensely.

So instead, I'll lie.