Thursday, April 5, 2007

my biggest fear revealed!

Therapy is exhausting. I find that when I come home from therapy, I feel emotionally drained and just plain tired. Yesterday was no different as I had yet another revealing therapy session.

I got to therapy early so I wasn’t stressed as I had been last week. I was relatively calm and relaxed as Dr. W walked me into her office. So, I sat down and she asked me how I was doing. I told her that I haven’t been able to sleep through the night lately. For some reason (I’m willing to blame the anxiety on this one), I get up in the middle of the night and start freaking out about silly things—my fertility, work, money, etc. So Dr. W reiterated something she had mentioned in my first visit that she hadn’t mentioned since. “As I’ve said before, your anxiety is rooted in your fears,” she reminded me, “for example, your fear of being alone.” Let’s talk about some of the other things you are afraid of.”

I thought about that for a bit. There was a fear that was there, front and center, but I didn’t want to mention it. But what the hell? I’m in therapy for a reason. I should just be honest and confront my fears. I surprised myself as the words formed on my lips, “I’m afraid that Jesse might leave me.” Dr. W nodded. I took this as a signal to keep talking, but the lump in my throat had temporarily muted me. Damn you, throat lump! I swallowed hard and said shakily, “I love him, I really do, and I don’t know what I would do if he left.” “Hmmm…” Dr. W said. “Tell me about Jesse. What makes him so special?” I thought to myself, How much time do we have? I could talk about this forever. Knowing I was on the clock here, I chose my words wisely. I replied, “He’s sweet. He’s sensitive. He listens. But most importantly, he knows me, including all of my faults and short-comings, but he still loves me. He loves me unconditionally and I can’t imagine what my life would be like without him.”

Dr. W was furiously taking notes. She looked up at me and said, “What would happen if he left? You’d be sad for awhile. Maybe even depressed. But your life wouldn’t end.” I countered, “Yes, not literally, but figuratively. My life as I know it now would end. I would be devastated. It would leave a really big hole that would be hard to climb out of.” With some understanding, Dr. W nodded. She seemed to take in all the information I had given her over time, all the times I had talked about Jesse during therapy. She concluded, “I think you’ve become too dependent on this relationship.” I nodded in silence, but inside I was thinking, I think you’re right.

What I didn’t tell Dr. W (which is probably a big disservice to me and what I expect to get from therapy) is that my biggest fear is that Jesse will wake up one day and look at me and think, Oh my God, I could do so much better—someone thinner, prettier, smarter, not as opinionated. Someone who lets me play Xbox whenever I want. Someone who can cook better.

And I would be left behind thinking, I think you’re right.


Beakerz said...

Similar fears and anxieties consume and paralyze me. I feel ya babe.

Keep with the therapy, as I have. one of these days, we'll all be cured.

Anonymous said...

does jesse read your blog? --erika

DCWeddingPhotog said...

I think EVERYONE has this fear at some point. More than once my mom has even said this to me, even though they have been together for 25+ years.

You'll get through this. xoxo.

lizzie said...

beakerz--thanks. it's nice to know that i'm not alone. i'm looking forward to that day when all the demons go away.

erika--yes, jesse reads the blog. we had a little chat last night and he casually said, "i'm not going anywhere." it reassured me momentarily, but i wouldn't expect him to say anything different.

MK--thank you. i just wish it would all be over soon.