Monday, April 9, 2007

so does this mean we’re not meant to be?

I really don’t want to keep talking about therapy, but something happened during my session on Wednesday and I sit here today really wishing I had given it much more thought.

I had told Dr. W that my mom was stressing me out with her insistence that Jesse and I get married soon, mostly because we’re living in sin and she’s obviously not comfortable with that. Dr. W asked, “Are you thinking of giving Jesse an ultimatum?” I replied without hesitation, “God no! I could never do that. I want him to realize on his own that he wants to marry me. I don’t want to force that decision on him.” Dr. W said, “So what if he doesn’t ever want to get married?” I paused before answering, “Wow. I really hadn’t thought of that. But that becomes a whole different issue entirely. It becomes a question of whether I am willing to give up my vision for the future for his vision and I’m not sure if I could do that.” As Dr. W scribbled some notes, I mentally dismissed that topic.

So what do you do when the love of your life tells you he doesn’t want to get married? Having just experienced that first hand, let me tell you.

First off, you cry. You cry like you’ve never cried before. And during the whole ordeal, when you think you just can’t possibly have any more tears left, you defy the laws of nature and cry some more.

You wonder how a seemingly figurative pain like your heart breaking could feel so real, so visceral. You wonder how it’s possible for this pain to be felt throughout your body, as if it’s circulating from your heart all the way to the tips of your toes.

You think back to all those dreams you had of your future life together—your future kids, a perfect combination of your best features, growing up right before you. You wonder how it is possible that your dream that had seemed so tangible just a few moments ago could possibly die such an easy death right in front of you.

You begin to question yourself. Your relationship had seemed so perfect up until now. Where did you go wrong? Did you not love him enough? Did you not make him happy? If he loves you as he has said he does for so long now, how could he not want to make that lifetime commitment to love you forever?

You think back to the happily single girl you used to be before you met the love of your life. For a moment, you envy her. And then you consider, if you had only kept that brick wall around your heart instead of tearing it down for the love of your life, you wouldn’t be here feeling such pain. And then you begin to regret it all.

You wish that this day, the day that changed everything, had never happened. You pray that someone would come along to take the pain away. Please.

Eventually, as darkness fills your bedroom (the one you share with the love of your life), you try with all your might to sleep. But instead, you stare into the vacant abyss before you, a perfect reflection of the emptiness you feel, and you ask yourself,

What am I going to do?

For obvious reasons, as of today’s post, Jesse no longer reads this blog.


Hey Pretty said...

Oh no! Well, would it make you feel any better if you thought about it this way--a lot of people simply have issues with the institution of "marriage." But that doesn't neccessarily mean that they don't love their S.Os and intend to be in long-term, loving, productive relationships with them. Sometimes you have to ask yourself--is marriage itself so important, or can I live in a long-term relationship that less formally defined?

That probably wasn't terribly helpful, coming from a complete stranger. Instead, I shall hand you a virtual kleenex for your tears. And a shot of strong whisky to dull the pain a bit ;)

Anonymous said...

I am so so sorry. I've been there and I know that pain you are talking about. I know you won't believe it now or want to hear it but it gets better and even, eventually, goes away. You need to think about moving out, though, maybe? It will make you feel a tiny bit better I think and besides, he'll probably start to miss you. Sorry if I overstepped. -Erika

Law-Rah said...

Sweetie, we are here if you need a girls night out!

lizzie said...

hey pretty--actually, that's the issue i'm trying to deal with. i think that his vision for our future is the way we are right now but forever, with no paper or big party or whatever. i don't see marriage that way, of course. and i'm not sure if i'm willing to sacrifice my vision of our future just to make him happy. however, i wouldn't expect him to give his up either. so where's the middle ground? that i don't know.

thanks for the tissue! and don't sell yourself short. your comment WAS helpful.

erika--no overstepping so no reason to be sorry. i'd hate to move out but that could be a good solution. i think the bigger question is, should i stay or should i go, permanently? and again, i don't have an answer for that.

law-rah--thank you for the support. that's so sweet. i might just have to take you up on that offer.

aditi said...

Hey Liz! Don't know if you realized that I try to read your blog regularly... but I do, and I just read today's post. Are you okay?? I'll give you a call tonight, see how things are going. Relationships are so complicated, and sometimes they just suck. I wish I was there to take you out for a drink!!

DCWeddingPhotog said...

lizzie!!! oh my gosh! i really want to meet up with you soon, when I get back from my business trip. i am in the same exact prediciment. xoxo!!!

yummy411 said...

lizzie, is your therapist trying to help you by addressing and facing your fears?

if you truly feel you are living in sin you should probably move out, but love and be in love with jesse.

i'm sorry that relationships can be so damn confusing! but when you hearts involved, it's no easy matter. that's just my take.