Tuesday, April 10, 2007

on the importance of timing

Everyone has one of these except, for the longest time, I thought mine was my soulmate. I’m talking about the college crush (henceforth referred to as CC). My CC experience was pretty special (well, at least to me). CC and I were friends for a while. And then one day, things kinda changed. Suddenly, we weren’t just friends any more. Just when the “more than friends” part started getting serious, I freaked out. I provoked a fight that not only led to our break up but it also led to the end of our friendship.

I tried to re-establish a friendship with CC but he was just still hurt by the whole situation. It appeared to be the kind of wound that only heals with time. In 2000, I graduated college and really thought nothing more of it. Until one day almost 2 years later…I had a dream. And out of the blue, CC was in it. In the dream, I just so happened to be marrying him. I woke up from that dream completely freaking out. After all, I hadn’t really thought of CC and then all of a sudden I was marrying him while in an unconscious state. In my mind, this was a sign—I just had to track him down.

So I began the seemingly impossible task of finding CC. Was CC in grad school? Med school? Working with AIDS-ravaged communities in Africa? I had no idea. I decided to send a letter to his last known address—his mom’s home—and hope for the best.

Surprisingly, I heard from CC and the lines of communication were opened! Several snail mail letters and emails and calls were exchanged and finally, we found ourselves in the same time zone at the same time. We made a date.

Seeing CC after all that time was amazing. Despite a 2 year estrangement, we were able to continue right where we left off (with the friendship part, I mean). As a result I concluded that when you still have a connection with someone despite many obstacles (time, distance, etc.), this just has to mean something. And from that I decided that CC was my soulmate.

CC and I continued to talk and email despite the fact that we couldn’t see each other. But when we did see each other, we made the most of it. There was one just one thing. Sure the friendship was perfect and just as it had been (if not better!). But what of this “more than friends” bit? I felt it, but did he?

In June of 2004, I didn’t have time for CC to reveal his feelings about the “more than friends” part. That’s because (despite myself) I was beginning to fall in love with a boy named Jesse. As much I wanted to know if CC and I could make it work, the timing was just never right. CC was on the opposite side of the country (again) and he was looking at med school opportunities. I was trying to finish grad school and get a good job, preferably in DC. Could I follow him across the country even if my heart wasn’t in it? Could I patiently wait through all of those years in med school and then residency? Would I be bitter if I sacrificed everything for him? Yet here was this boy who was here now and ready to love me. I took a chance on Jesse.

Five months into my relationship with Jesse, I hung out with CC. It was just like old times. We ate, drank, and were merry. And finally, after all of this time, encouraged by his newfound liquid confidence, CC made his move. I just couldn’t tell you how upset I was.

I was in love with Jesse. Our relationship was perfect. It was definitely the healthiest relationship I had ever been in. And CC decides to make his move now? Are you kidding me? Could the timing be any worse? Well, I was certainly not going to cheat on Jesse so I rejected him. But I was left with a whole lotta “what ifs” and that just sucks.

Thinking about the whole mess that I’m in got me thinking about timing. If only CC had made his move a year before he did. If only we could manage to stay in the same time zone to make something work. If only we hadn’t lost touch and wasted time. Timing may have been completely off for CC and me but it’s off for me and Jesse too.

I can’t help but wonder what my life would’ve been like if I had just met Jesse 5 years from now. If only we hadn’t fallen in love until he was older, wiser, more mature. If only he and I were in the same place in life. If only Jesse were in the right frame of mind to consider marriage as the next logical step in our relationship. If only the timing was just right…

So just how important is timing?

Apparently, it’s everything.


photobugchick said...

Hey it's Jess.

I hope you are having a better day and last night was productive. I am not sure how to read this post and figure out how things are...in the end I hope you are happy.

Option is still open to hang ANY night this week (or any week for that matter)! Just drop me a note.

lizzie said...

PBC--thanks. seriously you've been very supportive the last couple of days and i can't thank you enough. i actually wrote this post last night before the boy got home. i'm not quite ready to talk about that yet.

i'm just very tired of crying and getting upset. and now i'm sick and everything is just a big mess. ugh.

Law-Rah said...

My quote from most of January and February "I'm just not in a good place right now and I really don't feel like talking about it."

I now retire my quote and give it to you!

lizzie said...

thanks, law-ruh. i hope i didn't come across as standoffish or even ungrateful for the support everyone has given me. i just feel very blah and i'm not yet ready to talk about stuff. so yes, i will use your quote with an edit.

"I'm just not in a good place right now and I really don't feel like talking about it...YET."