Monday, July 9, 2007

the damn cat's out of the bag

I was supposed to go to Pittsburg for the weekend but Jesse got sick and we ended up going up there just for the day on Sunday so that Jesse could get in some quality guy time with his visiting friend (BTW, it was hot as Hades, plus we weren’t in Pittsburg for very long so I have no pics to share). Since Saturday ended up being a leisurely day of laying around and cuddling with my boo, I just had to ruin it by calling my mom that evening.

The phone conversation was going well until we started talking about my upcoming trip home. She asked me just how much time we were planning on spending in Orange County. I told her that we would be in Orange County and what days we would be in L.A., San Diego, and Catalina Island. And then she kinda changed the subject.

M: How long have you and Jesse been together?
Me: We just had our 3 year anniversary.
M: And when are you going to get married?
Me (sigh): I don’t know, Mom. I’d like to know that too.
M: Well, what are you waiting for?
Me: I guess I’m waiting for Jesse to be ready. I’m ready and he knows I’m ready.
M: And I’m ready for you two to get married. I don’t approve of your lifestyle and I plan on talking to Jesse about it when you guys come to visit.
Me: I’m sorry. “Lifestyle”? I thought you said you were ok with me and Jesse living together.
M: Yes, that’s ok. What I don’t approve of is living in sin before marriage. I would feel better knowing that you’re living like this because a marriage is imminent.
Me (at this point, I’m seriously concerned that my mom has figured out that I’m not a virgin): Living in sin? Yeah, I suppose we are but you’ve known that all along.
M: Yes, but I didn’t know that you and Jesse know each other intimately.
Me (DAMN IT! She knows. I don’t know how she knows but she does. I freak out but remain calm on the phone.)
M: You know, I really thought that you were going to wait until you got married. I’m disappointed in you. But what’s done is done. I’m assuming that since you already went ahead and did what you know you weren’t supposed to do that you’re planning on marrying Jesse.
Me (notice how she doesn’t actually use the word ‘sex’ but uses rather creative euphemisms instead): Yes, mom, I know in my heart that I only want to be with Jesse.
M: Well, I need to know what his intentions are because I simply don’t approve of your lifestyle. He needs to tell me that he’s going to marry you.
Me (quietly): Me first.

My mom goes on to tell me about other stuff (thankfully), namely, my sister’s recent meeting with her ex, Mr. I-Love-You-After-Three-Dates. It turns out that she doesn’t want to get back together with him. I’m so proud of her.

So, now, Jesse and I have some family drama to take care of. Thank goodness we’re only spending a couple of days in the OC. At first, I was ok with my mom giving Jesse “the Talk’ about marrying me. But if it’s going to include a lecture on how sex before marriage is wrong, then I must object. However, I neither confirmed nor denied having sex with Jesse so maybe I can keep the lie alive and avoid this whole conversation with my mom. Or I could just come clean and tell her the truth. And if I’m feeling particularly sadomasochistic, then I should add that I work for a pro-choice organization, I haven’t been to church in years, and I refuse to be a practicing Catholic because I don’t agree with the Church’s teachings on almost everything (namely abortion, euthanasia, gays, and gay marriage). Also, I find it hard to follow a Church that has done everything in its power to protect known pedophiles.

Or maybe I just won’t tell her all of that extra stuff and not get kicked out of the family.

Ok, so my mom knows I’m having sex and not saving myself for marriage like she previously thought. But her knowing this is so much bigger than that. I feel like I’ve come to a crossroads here. On one path, I could come clean about everything and my mom will finally know the real me. The destination of this path is definitely not clear but it may involve some shunning on my family’s part. Then there’s the other path, the safe one. This one involves denying the sexual activity, pretending to be the good practicing Catholic that I am not, etc. At least I know my family will continue to love and accept me if I take the safe path.

I know what the right path is. But it’s scary.

I can’t believe that I am 28 years old and dealing with this crap.


chasingthesun said...

Haha! I'm a wayward Catholic schoolgirl too!

Sometimes I get extremely frustrated with my mother too. Sadly, it doesn't seem to get any easier the older we both get.

I wouldn't tell her anything that might upset her, and not make any difference in the long run. She's from a different generation, and she might never be able to understand anyway.

DCWeddingPhotog said...

oh moms! :-)

Anonymous said...

my two cents-take a leap of faith and let your mom know who you really are. It's obvious she loves you aand vice versa. my dad and I were very close but I perpetuated the sweet little girl image for him until the day he died, some 14 years ago. I was 28 when that happened come to think about it. anyway...i cant tell you how many times I have wished over the years, well first of all that he were still in my life, but also that when I did have him that we had had a real, adult relationship, not one based on lies told to (so I thought at the time) protect him from what I was doing. I think your mom might pleasantly surprise you. -Erika

Madame M. said...

Hmm.... I think your mom knew but she kind of used you for confirmation. Just a thought.

Hey, cheer up! It's okay and you're okay and she didn't stop talking to you altogether or scream at you or anything that you really really feared would happen.

Jesse loves you.
It'll all be okay.

lizzie said...

sunchaser--a-ha! one more thing we have in common! perhaps i should save the sadomasochism for a different situation.

mk--yes. moms--can't live with 'em sometimes and you can't live without 'em.

erika--you're right. perhaps i don't give my mom enough credit. i would love to have the kind of relationship with my mom where i could tell her everything again instead of hiding anything she might consider a vice. i'm sorry that you feel bad about protecting your dad. i've been protecting my mom for years and it's eating me up inside.

madame--i talked to my sister last night and apparently, my mom is still not sure and probably used our conversation to see if i would finally admit to it. she's so sneaky sometimes.

well, i think we didn't have the big blow up conversation because i didn't confirm or deny anything. once i come clean, it's going to get ugly.

somehow knowing that jesse loves me almost assures me that everything will be ok in the long run. thanks for the reminder! :)