Monday, November 19, 2007

perhaps i'm not the marrying kind

I'm not engaged.

My mother kindly reminded me of that fact last week when I told her about finally getting my dream job. After the laughing and the crying and the cheerful exclamations, my mother was kind enough to bring me down and ask, "So has Jesse proposed yet?" I reluctantly came down from cloud 9 to answer her question which she should already know the answer to (because Lord knows that I will call her as soon as it happens): "No."

She then went on to tell me that my sister who has been dating someone for almost 2 months is being asked suspiciously engagement-sounding questions by her new boyfriend like, "Do you prefer a solitaire or multiple stones?" and "Do you like yellow gold or white?" (Quick background: this new boo is in leukemia remission and may be in 'seize the day' mode). Also, the new boyfriend is trying really, REALLY hard to impress the family. I met him when I was home a few weeks ago and he actually put his arm around my mom while telling her something. That was maybe the second or third time he had seen my mom. He better not put his arm around me if I see him when I'm home for XMas.

The thought of my sister getting engaged before me freaked me out. Sure, I'm the one who has been in a steady, healthy relationship for the last 3+ years but she's the one who's going to get proposed to from a guy she's been seeing for two months. This depresses me. My mom was just venting her concerns but this really got me thinking, Some people just know, but what of the couples where only one half of them knows?

I know my mom didn't mean any harm in asking if I was engaged yet. It just makes sense that now that I have my dream job that maybe my dream husband would finally agree to take on that role too. But no, I'm not expecting a proposal any time soon. I had hoped to focus on how I finally have my dream job and how I will be starting my dream job in January.

However, I've always been very goal-oriented in my life. Once one of my goals has been accomplished, I move on to the next one. For the last 6 months I've been fretting over getting a new job. And now that I have the job I've always wanted, I really want the love of my life to promise to love me forever.

Is that too much to ask?

It seriously pains me that this hasn't been easy. I've heard all weekend from couples who "just knew" that their relationship was headed in that direction. So what if you felt your relationship was headed in that direction until you found out that the love of your life doesn't want to get married?

Now that I've solved one problem in my life, I'm naturally inclined to move on to dealing with the next one.

But I'm tired of feeling inadequate for having a boyfriend who's not ready to marry me. I just don't understand how everything else in our relationship has come naturally and easily except for this one BIG thing.

Kinda makes me think that it just isn't meant to be...


Madame M. said...

Oh Lizzie, I wish there were an easy word I could send your way to make you feel better or more at ease.

Jesse sounds like a wonderful guy who loves you. Maybe he is afraid of something you don't know about?

As for sis's boyfriend... no offense, but even by my lightning-fast standards (first date to marriage: 10.5 mos.) he's moving a bit fast. Kinda creepy in a way.

**HUGS** to you.

Anonymous said...

ditto what Madame M said, plus some unsolicited advice--maybe you should move out? not for head playing game purposes but to make yourself feel better about everything else that is going so well in your life, of which Jesse is only a part. there is a real charge from being master/mistress of your universe. ~Erika

Beaker said...

They're engaged after 2 months? uh...I'm up to 6 1/2 years.

Feel better?