now there's a man who deserves to be on a pedestal

I recently did the unthinkable. Seriously, I'm in a wonderful relationship with the greatest guy who totally loves me for me and is the best father to our little fur babies. And then I go ahead and do this.

It was stupid. It was unnecessary. It came out of no where.

I googled a boy. The one who broke my heart. The one who made me swear off all boys and love and commitment and all of that crap that apparently I really did want in my life, despite what this boy made me believe.

I suppose I was just curious. Yes, let's go with that--curiosity.

Back when I was still reeling from the aftermath of that heartache, I would search for him whenever I felt particularly low. Does he still have that Yahoo account? I wonder if he's on IM? Could he be on Friendster (yes, peeps, remember Friendster?)? Would he friend me if he was?

However, that was before Google. And because I am in such a happy place right now and have been for quite a few years, I hadn't ever thought of googling him. Did I want to know if he was married? Or had kids? Or if he really ended up with that girl he cheated on me with?

Without even thinking of the ramifications, I googled away. I found that he has his own company now. He's still doing what he was doing before except he's doing it for himself instead of The Man (or in his case Microsoft, EA, etc.) His business partners are his friends whose names I still recognized despite wanting to forget everything about this boy at some point in my life. And, he's still living in Orange County, near the beach which he loved so much.

What I didn't find is what he looked like.

Damn you, Google Images!

Feeling that my curiosity had not been satisfied, I did the next best thing. Surely if he's an entrepreneur, he's probably into social networking...like Facebook, perhaps? I renewed my search, this time on Facebook and hit the jackpot. A profile. A picture. Finally!

After all these years, all these miles away from him and home, I was finally going to see his face again. I threw caution to the wind, baby, because my curiosity pushed me to click on his name. I just had to see, no matter the consequences.

Upon opening the image of his picture, I realized something.

He'd gained some weight.

And he was far less attractive then what I had remembered.

And he was posing with Storm Troopers.

That image brought me back to reality. The reality is that he never deserved to be placed on that pedestal I created for him. Was he really that great? Did he really ever make me happy? Was he ever attractive? (answers: NO, NO, and at one point, yes). I couldn't believe that this person once had so much power over me that I swore off relationships for YEARS. And here I was, freaking out over googling him. Seriously? What was I thinking? I've already got everything I need in the man I love right now.

They say everything happens for a reason. I was meant to see that picture. And I was meant to see all that I have for what it truly means to me.

At this point, I heard the jingling of keys in the door. Feeling suddenly free from a burden, I picked up Nicky from where he was sitting on my lap. I carried him in my arms like a baby. Gracie ran along my feet, excited to see her daddy again after a long day at work.

Jesse opened the door and I welcomed home the love of my life with a kiss.