i have hope that one day my mom will drop the guilt trip

Yesterday was my first night alone without the boo. I cancelled my appointment with the personal trainer since I wasn’t feeling well. Probably had something to do with the crying I did Sunday night (I’m sure the sleeplessness compounded by the Monday morning crying didn’t help matters). I came home and tried to clean up a bit. After cleaning, I started making dinner.

Before I moved in with Jesse, my dinners consisted of turkey sandwiches, always toasted with cheese and loads of mustard. My side item was usually a handful of baked Doritos. I rarely switched it up. It was my ol’ standby from college so I stuck with it. If I wanted a different kind of meal, I would just need to find me a man who could cook.

And boy can Jesse cook. Almost every meal he’s ever made for me has been mouth-watering delicious (well, there was that one time with the eggs that he’s still embarrassed about). Then one day, he told me that he had always wanted a girlfriend to cook for him. So, dinner became a group activity. Usually, he’d make a main dish and I’d prepare a side. But I learned so much from him. Not only do I know my way around a kitchen, but I can make some pretty good stuff too! At first my goal was “edible” but now I aim for “satisfying.” I cook for him quite frequently (whenever he doesn’t cook for me, that is).

So, I started to prepare some chicken (sautéed with a bit of olive oil and spices). I then moved on to some pasta to the lay the chicken on. During my preparations, I started to cry. I had never made a meal for myself that wasn’t a turkey sandwich. This was a meal fit for both me and Jesse. Except…Jesse’s not here. And he would’ve been so proud of my sautéing attempt.

Don’t ask me why (because I’m still wondering) but I decided to call my mom. I just needed someone to listen (still not sure why I turned to mom). I call the house in Cali. No one’s home. I call my sister’s cell to find out where my mom is. My mom answers and sounds happy to hear from me. “So, you’re probably wondering how our flight went.” I think to myself, What is she talking about? Knowing me all too well, mom continues, “Remember, Linda and I are in Sacramento for the education conference.” “Oh yeah,” I said. I suddenly recall that conversation.

“You know, with all that extra security I thought it would be worse, but it wasn’t too bad.”
“Great, mom. You know, Jesse flew today too.”
“Oh yeah, where is he?”
“He’s in Denver for work.”
“How long is he there?”
“Till Friday.”
“So you’re alone.”
“Yes, I’m alone. And I’m very sad. I miss him so much.”
“Oh baby. Now you know how it feels to be me. You know, I miss you every day that you’re not here. At least you’ll see Jesse in a couple of days. I get to see you a few times a year, when I’m lucky. And the next time you’re coming home, you’ll only be here for one day. ONE DAY.”
“Well, looks like dinner’s ready mom. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Ok, have a good night. Don’t forget to lock all the doors. I love you.”
“I love you too. Bye.”

Yeah, that conversation was about as successful as trying to get Nicole Richie to eat a double-double from In-N-Out.