california blogging: yesterday was not a good day

Greetings from Orange County! It's the coldest I've ever felt here yet that's the least of my problems. Happy vacay to me! (NOT)

Yesterday was kinda crappy. Jesse and I had a 7:30 a.m. flight to Orange County by way of Dallas. We arrived in Dulles before 6 a.m. so we decided to go to the sit down restaurant near our gate for breakfast (Max and Irma's has a great b-fast for cheap that I highly recommend). After breakfast, we saw a huge line of people by our gate. Assuming it was time to board, we made it to the end of the line, only to be told that our flight had been cancelled. I was plenty tired, had just had a tearful goodbye with the kitties (they took it well; I was a wreck), and all I wanted to do was get home ASAP and now here we were with a cancelled flight.

Ugh. I hate cancelled flights.

They ended up putting us on a flight to Dallas 2 hours later after which we would need to hightail it to the other side of the airport in order to get to our connection to Orange County. Except I was hungry, thirsty, and needing to pee. We got to the gate just as they were doing a final boarding call. I got on the plane and my hunger/thirst/bladder was the last thing on my mind because I felt a migraine coming.

Ugh. What timing.

I took an Imitrex which knocked me out (yay, sleep!). I slept for most of the flight to Orange County until I woke up during some crazy turbulance due to a storm we were flying in. It continued for about 45 minutes until we had the bumpiest landing ever. As I got off the plane, I sighed in that little connector tunnel between the plane and the gate and I SAW MY BREATH.

What??? I'm not supposed to see my own breath in normally sunny, mild, generally perfect Southern California! That stuff only happens in states where winter actually takes place.

Ugh. It's cold.

As we stood outside in the pouring, freezing rain waiting for our car rental shuttle, I saw my breath plenty of times. I checked the weather forecast on my phone and saw that we should expect this kind of weather for the entire week we are here. Great. I left DC to get away from this crap and enjoy some sun. Now I get to spend my week, sans sun.

Ugh. Stupid rain.

Things calmed down a bit after a trip to In-and-Out and a long-needed trip to the bathroom. Two hours later, we started on our way to meet a good friend of mine for dinner.

The normally 1 hour drive to Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood where I was meeting my friend took nearly 2 hours thanks to the usually congested freeway made worse by the rain. Not sure what it is about rain that makes people forget how to drive. We were nearly rear-ended twice because the cars behind me were wayTOOclose and we were stop and go for a while. Hello, inappropriate stopping distance!

Ugh. Silly California drivers.

Dinner was awesome and I'm so glad I got to see my friend and her new husband. It was the first time I had seen her since her wedding and she looked so happy with her boo and her life, which made me really happy.

Yay, friends!

Later, I had some trouble sleeping, so I got up to check email. Big mistake. I received an email from the agency I consult for (I need the extra money as my non-profit salary isn't remotely competitive in today's market) telling me they can no longer afford to pay me so I was being let go. Oh and Merry Christmas, Liz.

Ugh. Sh*tty layoffs.

And now I'm here, blogging this at 4 a.m. PST. Well, at least I didn't get a migraine, we got home safe and sound, we didn't get rear-ended and I got to see my friend.

I really miss my kitties though. *sigh*

a time to heal, a time to speak out

I suppose this should be my Virginia Tech shootings commemoration post. I should be reminding you about how awful that day was, not just for the students, but for the community of Blacksburg and its far reach. I should be telling you about how I found out about the shootings (while at work, at my desk), about how I found out that a friend was in that building (Jesse called, he is a good friend he went to Tech with), about how we felt until we knew he was ok. I should tell you about what it felt like to watch the news, to see the faces of the victims in pictures during happier times. I should tell you about the strength of the community of Blacksburg, Hokies who bleed orange and maroon, who came together and rose above this horrifically tragic event.

But that's not what this post is about.

In my therapy sessions following the shootings last year, I shared with Dr. W (a VA Tech alum herself) my feelings regarding the shooter (I know his name but can't bring myself to type it). I wanted to blame him, especially after his tape came out. I needed someone, something to blame. But I couldn't blame him. And I was frustrated. Dr. W found herself in the same predicament.

We both knew why.

He appeared to be mentally ill. In my attempt to comprehend why something like this could happen to such a friendly, humble community, I was thirsty for knowledge about the shooter. I couldn't watch enough CNN or read enough articles. The shooter was ill. It was recognized at an early age and nothing was done about it. He was sent to a therapist, but it didn't stick. His parents chose to send him to church instead. But not all prayers end in miracles. And unfortunately, the mental condition of the shooter deteriorated to the point where murder and suicide were the only answers.

Well, why chose church over therapy? Why not go back to therapy after the prayer thing didn't work? Why was the family determined to keep this 'problem' within the family? Why not reach out to resources that are available in circumstances such as these?

Stigma, that's why.

In some cultures, having a mental illness is so socially undesirable that it would be better to keep it secret than to do anything about it. In our big brother culture here in the U.S., people don't seek treatment because they are afraid of someone finding out, resulting in social, political, and economical (job-related) ramifications. When I was depressed, I felt guilty about seeking treatment because I figured that there were people out there who needed it more than I did. People pop prozac like candy here but everyone's afraid to talk about being depressed. Why?

Why are we afraid to talk about mental illness? Why are we afraid to seek help? Is it so wrong to be labeled as depressed, anxious, schizo if you're actively in treatment for it? Wouldn't it be better to seek treatment than to suffer in silence as the problem escalates?

As I said earlier this week, if you were diagnosed as diabetic, would you be ashamed to ask for insulin?

Had the shooter remained in therapy, would we have had a 4/16? Had his parents supported him and acknowledged his illness, would things have been different? Would the shooter have felt isolated or desperate had he been treated for his condition?

There's nothing we can do about him now, but what about the next potential shooter?

Today, on the first anniversary of 4/16, I am calling for an end to stigma. I want people to feel free to seek help if they need it. I want people to be unafraid of losing their friends, jobs, significant others because they are ill. I want people to support, unconditionally, any friend or family member with mental illness. And if they are not in treatment, I want people to encourage their friends or family members to seek it.

My name is Liz.
I have generalized anxiety disorder.
I suffer from panic attacks and separation anxiety.
I was in weekly therapy for treatment (and will resume therapy now that I have insurance again).
I have family and friends who know this and still love me.

And I'm ok.

There's no shame in that.

cat and owner suffer from same disease, news at 11*

It's been a while since I last suffered a bout of separation anxiety. I've blogged about previous bouts before but in case you missed it, I basically became an unstable person in Jesse's absence, unable to perform some basic life functions just because I couldn't deal with the void he left. To romanticize it, I would say that Jesse took a part of me with him and I feel incomplete when he's away. But to be logical about it, the separation anxiety I felt was simply a symptom of a much larger problem and my inability to deal with loss is at the root of the generalized anxiety disorder I suffer from.

I must say that since we adopted Nicky, I haven't really felt alone and abandoned whenever Jesse is out of town. In fact, Nicky is SO good at filling the void of Jesse's absence that he actually sleeps in Jesse's spot in the bed, even resting his head on Jesse's pillow. Moreover, Nicky does the same for Jesse when I am out of town.

Since we got him, Nicky has become incredibly attached to us. I grew up with cats who were mostly independent and aloof, but Nicky is neither of these things. He is an attention-seeker and I suspect he has a fear of being alone. Whenever we're home, Nicky will cry until he gets a rub or scratch or a toy thrown his way. When play time is over, he'll come to where either of us are sitting and just lay next to us, with his back against our legs or an outstretched paw towards our hands.



The attachment is very sweet, but it becomes increasingly difficult to leave him at home. He cries incessantly for attention right before we leave and positions himself between us and the door as soon as he hears the jingle of keys. It's such a sad sight to see that even I start to feel a little anxious when we leave (ok, maybe a lot anxious).

guarding the door...


When Jesse or I get home, it's the same story. As soon as we put the key in the door, we can hear his little cries. The door swings open to reveal a (LOUD) crying kitty. Before my heart begins to break (and I mentally scold myself for leaving him alone), I pick him up and give him lots of attention. When I put him down, he begins to cry again. I feed him and he still cries. He does the same thing to Jesse as soon as he gets home.

One day, while giving Nicky a belly rub, I noticed a bald spot on his leg. I had no idea where it came from. I showed it to Jesse who told me not to worry about it (this is his reply to many, many things). Because I am who I am, I did worry which led me to do some research. The incessant crying. Getting between us and the door. The attachment. The bald spot on his leg. All of these together meant one thing--Nicky was suffering from separation anxiety.

Separation anxiety has long been noted in dogs and only recently has it been studied in cats. Separation anxiety that goes untreated for a long time will lead to health problems down the road. If the anxiety is really bad, cats are often prescribed antidepressants (so not joking) as treatment. The last thing I want to do is medicate Nicky. Like when I first sought treatment for anxiety, I want to treat Nicky's separation anxiety naturally and drug free. And the best way to do so is to get him a playmate.

As far as my own treatment, I did try the natural methods for treating anxiety. The breathing exercises. The meditation. I just couldn't focus when anxious so these didn't work for me. Although the drugs are effective for me, they don't work for everyone and sometimes I wish I didn't need to be on them. However, if getting Nicky another kitty to play with will keep him from going on kitty Xanax, then we'll do it.

The truth is that Dominick is very young. He was adopted at a young age and should've been adopted with another kitty. Jesse and I care about him too much to just let him go on like this. We can only see the physical manifestations of the anxiety. But I know what it feels like inside. And yes, maybe there's some projection going on. But if Nicky even feels 1/10 of what I feel on a regular basis, I would do anything to keep him from feeling that way.

So the search for Dominick's little buddy is on. And we're hoping this will be enough to make the anxiety go away.

*This is the third in a series of honest and personal posts about mental
illness. The series will culminate on April 16th, 2008, the one year
anniversary of the shootings at Virginia Tech.

college football recap: "the passing game lives" edition

So much football...so little time...
(you know the drill. today's blog post is under the recap)

• Let’s start with a Thursday game, Miami vs. Texas A&M. Seriously, does anyone care about Miami anymore? In a development that only made Oklahoma look good (see below), Miami upset #17 Texas A&M. I’m not sure what to tell you about this game, other than that it is probably the last nationally televised game that Miami will play in the Orange Bowl.

• Speaking of #4 Oklahoma, they beat Tulsa by a lot (41 points to be exact). Tulsa would be the latest in Oklahoma’s sub-par opponents (Miami being another one of the 4). Can someone please wake me up when Oklahoma plays someone good? Looks like I’ll be napping til October 6th when Oklahoma plays Texas (that is, if you want to call Texas “good”).

• In a game that surprised no one, WVU beat ECU. I read somewhere that WVU has had trouble with ECU in the past which is surprising to me considering how easily the Mountaineers won that game. Their next game is at #18 South Florida which should be a good test for WVU.

• In other Big East news, Louisville lost again this week, this time to lowly Syracuse. This is what happens when you don’t play defense, peeps. You see, when you don’t play defense, you make a so-so team like Syracuse look like a Big East title contender, led by a so-so quarterback who suddenly looks like a Heisman candidate (ummm...hello? 17 of 26 passes for 423 yards and 4 TDs). Oh well. It looks like this will be my last bullet point on Louisville for the rest of the season.

• Let’s talk about my favorite unranked team—Notre Dame. I can’t tell you how much it pains me to report this, but after this Saturday’s game against Michigan State, the Irish finally have positive total yardage. Damn it! Damn you, Spartans, for not keeping the Irish in the red. Well, this doesn’t matter too much as the Spartans easily beat the Irish and now the Irish are 0-4. Apparently, this is a record futility mark for Notre Dame. They’re playing at Purdue next week.

• My other favorite unranked team is Michigan who played Penn State this week (formerly #10) and won. Apparently, Mike Hart was the key to this Wolverine victory as he amassed 153 yards on 44 carries. 44 carries? That’s insane. That’s less than 4 yards per carry. But still, Hart got a TD and Michigan only needed one other TD to beat the Nittany Lions.

• I should say something about the Nebraska/Ball State game. The Huskers won by 1 point. And they had to pray that Ball State didn’t score in the final seconds of the game in order to ensure the victory. Either their loss against USC completely demoralized the team or they just aren’t as good as everyone’s been saying. Which makes USC’s victory over Nebraska look not that great.

• In another game that was no surprise to anyone, Virginia Tech hosted William and Mary (a Division 1-AA team). Because this makes sense to the TV peeps for some reason, the Tech game wasn’t televised locally. And rather than listen to the game online (which is NOTHING like watching it on TV), I opted to go to the gym instead. After my trip to the gym, I found out that Tech had easily beaten the Tribe (which was to be expected). But the score was unreal—44-3—for a team that’s known for its defense. At first, I had hoped that Tyrod Taylor (Tech’s big time freshman QB) had a stand out day. Unfortunately, when I read the recap, I realized that it was just another game of Beamer Ball—where Tech’s defense and special teams take over. Still, it was nice to see such a big point differential for a Tech game. Taylor had an ok day, going 6 of 13, for 72 yards and 1 TD. Sadly, Glennon got some play time too. He probably had to whine to Coach Beamer in order to play. Glennon went 5 of 9 for 49 yards.

• Last but certainly not least, USC opened Pac-10 play this week by hosting Washington State at the Coliseum. Last week against Nebraska, USC’s running game earned the victory. But this time, USC’s passing game took over. QB John David Booty had a stellar game, completing 28 of 35 passes for 279 yards and 4 TDs. That’s right. 4 TDs. There might have been a little interception thrown in there, but the game had been sealed by then. In fact, after Wazzu scored a TD late in the 1st quarter, they just couldn’t keep up with the Trojans, who attacked from both the ground and the air. As the WSU coach said after the game, “This was an old-fashioned butt-whipping.” Yes, it was.

• One more thing about the USC game...I’m really impressed with the offense. One of the things I like about it is that every game features a different stand out player. Last week, it was RB Stafon Johnson. Against Idaho, it was Johnson and WR Vidal Hazelton and his one-handed grab. This time, it was TE Fred Davis. I’m truly amazed with how many weapons we’ve got on offense. Now if the defense can just work on getting some more turnovers...

Next up for Virginia Tech is UNC. USC will be playing at Washington next week. The Huskies just lost a close one to UCLA (and to Ohio State before that) so I’m sure they’re hungry for a victory.

___________________________________________________________________________________

There are very few things I enjoy doing alone. Shopping is one of them. That’s because I get so anxious and excited when I go shopping that sometimes I get impatient when waiting for others to make a decision on what to buy. My motto is “Buy first, ask questions later.” This may also be why I suffer from buyer’s remorse alot.

However, I don’t like eating alone. I really don’t like sleeping alone now. And I most certainly don’t like going to a bar all by myself. But that’s what I did on Saturday when I went to Crystal City Sports Pub to watch the USC game. It was the only place I could watch the game—the local ABC affiliate was playing the Iowa/Wisconsin game.

So, I got all dressed up in my USC t-shirt and brand new jeans purchased earlier in the day. I did my hair and then decided to pull it back because the weather was kinda warm. And then I walked out the door, praying that I would meet someone at the bar that I could talk to.

One of the great things about watching the USC game with other DC-area alums is the fact that it’s impossible to feel like you’re alone while amongst them. We’re all chatty and usually not from this area so we’re all willing to meet new people. In fact, Jesse and I had met some new people last week during the Nebraska game and I was hoping they would be there this week.

The place was crowded and I got a beer at the bar while I waited to see a familiar face. A man approached me and started talking to me about USC. Actually, he wasn’t talking to me, really. He was addressing his “respect” for USC at my boobs. It’s times like these when I wish that (1) Jesse was with me and (2) my boobs weren’t so big. When he decided to order a drink, I decided not to waste my time with the perv and I walked away from him. If that guy is a prime example of what’s in the dating pool these days, I am so relieved that I found one of the good ones and I’m no longer single (no offense to my single blog peeps, but I feel your pain).

One of the alumni chapter officers came up to me and offered me a table. It was a table for 4. Hmmm...I took it because I didn’t want to be around in case Mr. Perv wanted to talk to me (note to Jesse: an engagement ring would’ve come in handy). But I felt really selfish for taking it, considering tables are such a hot commodity at the Pub and I had three available seats. The good news is that the table was right next to someone I met last week so I had someone to talk to. The bad news is that I had three available seats.

A short while later, a young Trojan couple came into my view. I watched them as they searched for a table. When they got closer to me, I offered them my empty seats. They were very grateful. I can’t remember their names (I’m getting old, you know, and the memory is the first to go) but they were recent graduates and had recently moved to Arlington a few months ago. I told the girl half of the couple (who was from San Diego; the boy half was from St. Louis) that she will NEVER, EVER get used to the weather here and to buy a really good winter coat. I think I might’ve scared her. Well, at least she’ll be prepared come January when it snows a few inches and the city shuts down.

The game was a good one and I made some new friends. All in all, it wasn’t so bad to be alone.

But I still can’t wait for Jesse to get back today!

i think there’s something wrong with my relationship

Remember when Jesse left me the first time (to work in Denver)? Remember the super bad separation anxiety I was feeling? I was all sad and mopey all week and I tried my darnedest to make sure that didn’t show in my blog posts but I’m sure it did. Remember the relief I felt when he finally came back?

Perhaps I’ve matured or something since then, because I’m not that depressed this time around. Ummm…ok, I doubt it’s maturity. Is it possible that I’m just used to it this time? I’m freaking out that I’m not more sad and depressed! After all, I should be all miserable and unhappy because he’s gone, right? A good girlfriend would pine away and desperately await her boyfriend’s return, right?

Don’t get me wrong. I miss him like hell. I look forward to talking to him. The butterflies I normally feel when I’m with him go into hyperfluttery mode when I hear his voice. I want to hear every detail about his day from what he did at work to what he had for dinner. And of course, I want to hear him say that he misses me. Also, it takes me forever to get to sleep at night. His side of the bed feels so empty, even though Manny the Manatee is keeping me company. I’ve caught myself trying to reach for Jesse during my midsleep movements. Instead, it’s Manny I have to cuddle with. It’s not like Manny isn’t a good sleeping partner. He’s just not Jesse.

I’ve decided not to cook dinner. Not because I’m lazy, but because I nearly had a breakdown last time when I tried to cook for myself and missed not cooking for the both of us. And because Jesse doesn’t like to eat pizza since it’s not good for you, I have been eating pizza the last two days. It kinda negates my workouts, I know, but it’s so good.

I’ve been reading a lot at night to keep me busy. I’ve even caught up with some friends I haven’t talked to in a while. And I got to watch Gilmore Girls and Project Runway without interruptions (there’s usually some hemming and hawing from Jesse when GG comes on; apparently he’s not a fan of Lorelai for “cheating” on Luke in the season finale). It has been really nice to have some “me” time. So then why do I feel so guilty?

Just because I’m enjoying the “me” time doesn’t mean that I love Jesse any less. Perhaps I’ve found a better way of coping with his absence. Or maybe I learned that things weren’t THAT bad the first time around and mentally prepared myself for this time. Whatever the reason, it can’t possibly mean that there’s something wrong with me and Jesse. I love him and he loves me. And I know that he misses me even though he’s going out and exploring Colorado (and Wyoming!) and having fun without me.

Well, “me” time ends on Friday at 10 pm when he gets back. Until then, I'll be totally looking forward to some “we” time.

the empty space that is my heart

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I wasn’t the only one. Jesse kept on tossing as I turned and vice versa. I’m not sure why he couldn’t sleep, but I know where my insomnia was coming from. This morning, Jesse left me to go to Denver (for work again) for a week and I was dreading his absence.

I thought that maybe this time I would approach his trip a little differently. I tried to think about all the things that I could get done while he is away. I could go to happy hour more often. I could cook dinner for some friends. I could read one of the 3 books I bought this weekend. I could try to watch all 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in one week. I could catch up on some phone calls I really have to make (Aditi, you’re first on my list!) I could organize my closet. Clearly I had some options on how I could keep myself busy. But when it came down to it, all of my planning turned out to be an effort to delay the inevitable—I’m gonna miss Jesse terribly. So much so that I didn’t want to think about it.

The alarm went off at 6 this morning and Jesse got up to take a quick shower. I stayed in bed for a bit, thinking of how empty it felt without him. I put the blanket over his side of the bed, hoping it would capture the warmth of his body. As he showered, I tried not to think of his departure so I went about my morning routine. I started packing my gym bag. I planned my work outfit. Because he asked last night, I got my camera ready for Jesse to take with him. He came into the bedroom to get dressed and my sadness became unavoidable.

“No,” I said. He replied with a gentle smile, “No?”
With a lump in my throat, I said, “Please don’t go.”
He says, “It’ll be ok. It’s only for a couple of days.”
“Please don’t leave me.”
“It’s ok. I’ll be back on Friday.”
“But you could stay here. No one will notice.”
“I’m sure work will notice if I don’t go. It won’t be long.”
Really? It sure felt like an eternity last time.

Before he left for National, Jesse came and gave me the longest hug (maybe it was long because we didn’t want to let go). “Please don’t forget about me,” I said. With a smile in his voice, he said, “I won’t.”

“I love you.”
“I love you too.”

Jesse gathered his luggage and carry-on together.
A few seconds later…

“I love you.”
“I love you too.”

And then he left.

When Jesse left, not only did the condo feel empty but I feel empty too.

I LEFT MY BOYFRIEND

So, I have once again come down with a really bad case of separation anxiety. It was so hard to leave Jesse yesterday for San Diego. It just didn't seem right that I would be going to his favorite city ever without him.

He dropped me off at Dulles yesterday morning and I was dreading the goodbye the whole trip over. When we hugged, I wanted to stay in his arms forever. "I don't wanna go" I told him over and over. He said, "It's ok. It's only for a couple of days." Yeah, well that doesn't change the fact that I'm gonna miss him terribly.

I had a window seat on my flight to San Diego. Somehow, we ended up coming from the south towards the airport. Right before we were about to land, I saw the Coronado and the long bridge you have to take to get to it. I recalled Jesse's first visit to California with me. Since it was his first time, I wanted to make sure he got a comprehensive picture of how wonderful southern Cali is. We spent 5 days of our 10 day trip in San Diego. We did Sea World and the Zoo. We spent time in Balboa Park. We had a romantic dinner in Coronado off the water. We went to Torrey Pines so Jesse could see the famous golf course. We went to several Padres games and thoroughly enjoyed their new baseball park--Petco.

So, when I saw Coronado yesterday, my heart sank to my stomach. I really wish Jesse could be here with me.

I doubt Jesse knows this, but I had a rebirth of sorts during his first visit to Cali. It was wonderful to see my home through his eyes. Places and faces that I had taken for granted suddenly seemed fresh and fascinating. And seeing Jesse, happy beyond words, was more valuable to me than all the happy memories we made on that trip.

while the boyfriend was out...

Today is the day, peeps. Jesse gets back into town today, around 6 pm at Dulles and I can hardly wait. The time apart has been unbearable despite my attempts at distraction. The following is a list of things I was able to accomplish without the boo:

• Watched Season 3 of Sex and the City. I totally forgot that Season 3 moved beyond Charlotte’s wedding.
• Made dinner for myself 3 times. For that 4th dinner, I consumed a bowl of ice cream.
• Watered the plants. They’re Jesse’s, not mine so this is technically an accomplishment.
• I actually took out the garbage. There’s this unspoken agreement that I do not have to take out the trash unless I’m helping Jesse do it (and then he lets me take out the least disgusting trash bag).
• Killed some cockroaches (this is a big achievement because I don’t do bugs). Well…at least I think they’re dead. I tried to wash them down the drain. However, I think they have friends (like the one I didn’t kill yesterday who was apparently the search party for the “missing” roaches).
• Hung out with some really cool blogger gals. Thanks for the invite, ladies. Hope to drink with ya’ll again.
• Walked around the place naked. Oh, who am I kidding? I do that when Jesse’s around.

The following is a list of things I didn’t do without Jesse:
• The laundry, because Jesse has the key to the laundry room. Poor Jesse has only one pair of clean boxers left. I prefer that he walk around naked anyways.
• Pick up the mail, because Jesse has the mail key.
• Watch “Snakes on a Plane,” because we just have to go see that TOGETHER.
• Sleep. Cuddling with Manny helped, but not much. Besides, I was always cold.

I survived (well, I’ve got about 4 hours to go, but I think it’s still safe to say so). He won’t be going away to Denver ever again.

What? What’d you say? He’s got to go back to train more people? GOSH DARN IT!

i have hope that one day my mom will drop the guilt trip

Yesterday was my first night alone without the boo. I cancelled my appointment with the personal trainer since I wasn’t feeling well. Probably had something to do with the crying I did Sunday night (I’m sure the sleeplessness compounded by the Monday morning crying didn’t help matters). I came home and tried to clean up a bit. After cleaning, I started making dinner.

Before I moved in with Jesse, my dinners consisted of turkey sandwiches, always toasted with cheese and loads of mustard. My side item was usually a handful of baked Doritos. I rarely switched it up. It was my ol’ standby from college so I stuck with it. If I wanted a different kind of meal, I would just need to find me a man who could cook.

And boy can Jesse cook. Almost every meal he’s ever made for me has been mouth-watering delicious (well, there was that one time with the eggs that he’s still embarrassed about). Then one day, he told me that he had always wanted a girlfriend to cook for him. So, dinner became a group activity. Usually, he’d make a main dish and I’d prepare a side. But I learned so much from him. Not only do I know my way around a kitchen, but I can make some pretty good stuff too! At first my goal was “edible” but now I aim for “satisfying.” I cook for him quite frequently (whenever he doesn’t cook for me, that is).

So, I started to prepare some chicken (sautéed with a bit of olive oil and spices). I then moved on to some pasta to the lay the chicken on. During my preparations, I started to cry. I had never made a meal for myself that wasn’t a turkey sandwich. This was a meal fit for both me and Jesse. Except…Jesse’s not here. And he would’ve been so proud of my sautéing attempt.

Don’t ask me why (because I’m still wondering) but I decided to call my mom. I just needed someone to listen (still not sure why I turned to mom). I call the house in Cali. No one’s home. I call my sister’s cell to find out where my mom is. My mom answers and sounds happy to hear from me. “So, you’re probably wondering how our flight went.” I think to myself, What is she talking about? Knowing me all too well, mom continues, “Remember, Linda and I are in Sacramento for the education conference.” “Oh yeah,” I said. I suddenly recall that conversation.

“You know, with all that extra security I thought it would be worse, but it wasn’t too bad.”
“Great, mom. You know, Jesse flew today too.”
“Oh yeah, where is he?”
“He’s in Denver for work.”
“How long is he there?”
“Till Friday.”
“So you’re alone.”
“Yes, I’m alone. And I’m very sad. I miss him so much.”
“Oh baby. Now you know how it feels to be me. You know, I miss you every day that you’re not here. At least you’ll see Jesse in a couple of days. I get to see you a few times a year, when I’m lucky. And the next time you’re coming home, you’ll only be here for one day. ONE DAY.”
“Well, looks like dinner’s ready mom. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Ok, have a good night. Don’t forget to lock all the doors. I love you.”
“I love you too. Bye.”

Yeah, that conversation was about as successful as trying to get Nicole Richie to eat a double-double from In-N-Out.

MY BOYFRIEND IS LEAVING ME

separation anxiety
Function: noun
: a form of anxiety usually experienced by a young child and caused by separation from a significant nurturing figure and typically a parent or from familiar surroundings

Yesterday, I found out my boyfriend is leaving me…for a week. He’s going to Denver for work and it will be the first time that he leaves me all by myself (and alone and lonely) in the Ballston condo for an extended period of time. Since moving in together, we’ve been apart only once—my extended weekend trip to Cali back in May. Needless to say, I’m not looking forward to experiencing distance between us.

Jesse called me yesterday as I was swamped at work and dropped the bomb. “Guess what?” he whispers (he didn’t want his cubicle neighbors to overhear the conversation). “What?” I whisper back (because he’s whispering). “I’m going to Denver next week.” My heart drops. “No, please don’t go” is my immediate verbal response. In a soothing tone, Jesse says, “It’s ok. I’ll be back.” Yes, I’d hope so. Still, I continue to feel…panicky.

I’ve never done well with separation. Being the youngest in the family, I was constantly at my mom’s side when I was little. When I went off to kindergarten, I just couldn’t bear to see my mom leave me. I didn’t want to be in school all by myself (I’m a wuss, what can I say?). I didn’t understand why my mom couldn’t stay. I cried for most of the first day, especially because the teacher, a nun from hell, kept antagonizing me. Sister Maria mocked me for crying in front of the whole class. Needless to say, that upset me even more.

The next day, my mom volunteered to become a teacher’s aide. I stopped crying (unless I fell and hurt myself which was often). That probably wasn’t the best way to help me deal with the separation but the results weren’t too bad. Thanks to me, my mom discovered a new vocational calling. She continues to work as a teacher’s aide for an elementary school back home (not mine, thank God, with it’s evil nuns).

Back to present day, my heart sinks a little every day when Jesse leaves me to go to work. But now I’m just super anxious with his leaving for a few days. Jesse always has problems with his ears when he flies (the ears don’t like the changes in elevation). What if the mile high city gives him problems? What if he’s bored and can’t find anything to do? What if we keep missing each other’s calls and can’t talk to each other while he’s away? How in the world am I going to sleep without him by my side? Who's gonna cuddle with me at night (I guess Manny the stuffed animal manatee could sub for Jesse but it won't be the same)?

The condo is going to feel so empty without him. I'm gonna miss his hugs and kisses. Who am I going to make dinner for? What am I going to do without him asking me what he should wear to work? Who’s going to be patient enough to listen to my whining? Ugh…I don’t want to be without the boo. I don’t think I can make it.

Maybe I can go with him.