the empty space that is my heart

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I wasn’t the only one. Jesse kept on tossing as I turned and vice versa. I’m not sure why he couldn’t sleep, but I know where my insomnia was coming from. This morning, Jesse left me to go to Denver (for work again) for a week and I was dreading his absence.

I thought that maybe this time I would approach his trip a little differently. I tried to think about all the things that I could get done while he is away. I could go to happy hour more often. I could cook dinner for some friends. I could read one of the 3 books I bought this weekend. I could try to watch all 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in one week. I could catch up on some phone calls I really have to make (Aditi, you’re first on my list!) I could organize my closet. Clearly I had some options on how I could keep myself busy. But when it came down to it, all of my planning turned out to be an effort to delay the inevitable—I’m gonna miss Jesse terribly. So much so that I didn’t want to think about it.

The alarm went off at 6 this morning and Jesse got up to take a quick shower. I stayed in bed for a bit, thinking of how empty it felt without him. I put the blanket over his side of the bed, hoping it would capture the warmth of his body. As he showered, I tried not to think of his departure so I went about my morning routine. I started packing my gym bag. I planned my work outfit. Because he asked last night, I got my camera ready for Jesse to take with him. He came into the bedroom to get dressed and my sadness became unavoidable.

“No,” I said. He replied with a gentle smile, “No?”
With a lump in my throat, I said, “Please don’t go.”
He says, “It’ll be ok. It’s only for a couple of days.”
“Please don’t leave me.”
“It’s ok. I’ll be back on Friday.”
“But you could stay here. No one will notice.”
“I’m sure work will notice if I don’t go. It won’t be long.”
Really? It sure felt like an eternity last time.

Before he left for National, Jesse came and gave me the longest hug (maybe it was long because we didn’t want to let go). “Please don’t forget about me,” I said. With a smile in his voice, he said, “I won’t.”

“I love you.”
“I love you too.”

Jesse gathered his luggage and carry-on together.
A few seconds later…

“I love you.”
“I love you too.”

And then he left.

When Jesse left, not only did the condo feel empty but I feel empty too.