Thursday, October 12, 2006

i think there’s something wrong with my relationship

Remember when Jesse left me the first time (to work in Denver)? Remember the super bad separation anxiety I was feeling? I was all sad and mopey all week and I tried my darnedest to make sure that didn’t show in my blog posts but I’m sure it did. Remember the relief I felt when he finally came back?

Perhaps I’ve matured or something since then, because I’m not that depressed this time around. Ummm…ok, I doubt it’s maturity. Is it possible that I’m just used to it this time? I’m freaking out that I’m not more sad and depressed! After all, I should be all miserable and unhappy because he’s gone, right? A good girlfriend would pine away and desperately await her boyfriend’s return, right?

Don’t get me wrong. I miss him like hell. I look forward to talking to him. The butterflies I normally feel when I’m with him go into hyperfluttery mode when I hear his voice. I want to hear every detail about his day from what he did at work to what he had for dinner. And of course, I want to hear him say that he misses me. Also, it takes me forever to get to sleep at night. His side of the bed feels so empty, even though Manny the Manatee is keeping me company. I’ve caught myself trying to reach for Jesse during my midsleep movements. Instead, it’s Manny I have to cuddle with. It’s not like Manny isn’t a good sleeping partner. He’s just not Jesse.

I’ve decided not to cook dinner. Not because I’m lazy, but because I nearly had a breakdown last time when I tried to cook for myself and missed not cooking for the both of us. And because Jesse doesn’t like to eat pizza since it’s not good for you, I have been eating pizza the last two days. It kinda negates my workouts, I know, but it’s so good.

I’ve been reading a lot at night to keep me busy. I’ve even caught up with some friends I haven’t talked to in a while. And I got to watch Gilmore Girls and Project Runway without interruptions (there’s usually some hemming and hawing from Jesse when GG comes on; apparently he’s not a fan of Lorelai for “cheating” on Luke in the season finale). It has been really nice to have some “me” time. So then why do I feel so guilty?

Just because I’m enjoying the “me” time doesn’t mean that I love Jesse any less. Perhaps I’ve found a better way of coping with his absence. Or maybe I learned that things weren’t THAT bad the first time around and mentally prepared myself for this time. Whatever the reason, it can’t possibly mean that there’s something wrong with me and Jesse. I love him and he loves me. And I know that he misses me even though he’s going out and exploring Colorado (and Wyoming!) and having fun without me.

Well, “me” time ends on Friday at 10 pm when he gets back. Until then, I'll be totally looking forward to some “we” time.

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